What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?
Illustration for article titled Dear Driver of the Black BMW M5...

I feel you. You drive a nearly $100k car, you’ve got plenty of cash, and by God you’re better than most people out there. They just don’t have anywhere nearly as important to go as you do, because they aren’t as important as you are. You also have a fast, German made machine that was designed to cruise the Autobahn at speeds in excess of 155 miles an hour. Those silly speed limits and other pesky traffic laws are just to keep the peasantry in their unremarkable little econoboxes from hurting themselves. However, please allow me to make one small request: When it’s a weekday on the single busiest highway in town, with on and off ramps every 1/4 mile, and stoplights shortly thereafter, weaving in an out of traffic at between 80-100mph, cutting off every car behind you and tailgating every car in front of you, then finally putting the pedal to the metal and just passing people on the merge lanes and shoulders might not be the safest propostition. I know it’s hard to believe, but your strong Bavarian sedan might not be able to protect you if you hit something at that speed. Also, not that it matters, but you risk killing a plebeian family if you were to slam into the back of their mortal van. Furthermore, you risk having someone call the police on you, not because you are doing something wrong (who would suggest such a thing!?!) but because they think that no sane person would drive a car on a busy public street like that unless their wife who was going into labor had just been shot, and needs to be at the hospital yesterday. So please, I know it’s a big ask for you to lower yourselves to the wishes of the unwashed masses, but believe me, it’s for the best. We wouldn’t want everyone who drives a BMW to start getting some nasty reputation as being reckless or self-righteous drivers. Basically, if you could slow it down a bit and not drive quite so...close to other road users, that would be great. You fucking dick.

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Sincerely, a fellow BMW driver.

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