We haven’t been close, but I feel a sort of affinity towards you. I live in New Jersey, and like Texans, I think my state is the best, even though everyone else says it’s awful and makes jokes about it.

You seem to think the fact that this beer is made in Texas is an attractive fact. You mention Texas about ten times on the label, going so far as to include the zip code. I’m pretty sure the only Texans to ever refer to their Texas zip code are the Geto Boys, and they’re your greatest cultural contribution to the union, so that’s cool.

But you seem to not understand “cream ale.” See, this is cream ale:


This is also cream ale:


These have two things in common: Rochester, NY and Croydon, PA are arm pits of their respective states. I don’t know what your Texan equivalent is, Austin? West Texas? Maybe it’s Shiner, I don’t know because I thought this beer was called “Shriner beer” and its thing was that it was brewed by Shriners.

The other thing that these beers have in common is that they’re awful and taste like carbonated water that somehow manages to have an ABV.


See, your beer has a distinct taste of hops. If I were an awful human being that no one liked to invite to parties, I would call your beer “challenging.” Not “challenging” like 120 minute IPA, but “challenging” in so far as this beer has a taste. It’s pretty shitty; you got that part right. But it tastes distinctly like beer, and that’s unacceptable in a cream ale.

To paraphrase your greatest contribution to American culture, “a real gangsta ass cream ale don’t taste tops, because a real gangsta ass cream ale don’t got hops.”