So I went and Plasti-Dipped my wheels. Aside from a couple little rough spots due to my own ineptitude, I think they turned out pretty well for a total of $30 and an afternoon.
(Still looking respectable after driving all day, including some dirt and grass driving.)
(Probably should have waited until after the grass had been cut...)
(Filters. Because Instagram.)
Also, while I was out and about, Herr Quattro made a friend.