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DHL, what the 'ell

So, I ordered something from the UK, like you do, and it was sent DHL. When it arrived on these shores, DHL suggested I authorize drop-off/releasing it from signature-required. “No dice”, thought I - given that the illustrious USPS has occasionally put packages on our neighbors’ porch or elsewhere, and FedEx once used auto-complete on the GPS to be in a whole other neighborhood.

What I ordered: a build manual for a tiny toy Land Rover. Sweet.
What I ordered: a build manual for a tiny toy Land Rover. Sweet.
Image: Toylander UK

So, it was to arrive today, but yesterday, I received a note via text message that it was out for delivery. Groovy. I warned the old man to watch for DHL deliveries. Several hours later, I get a text saying that my address “appears to be incorrect” and that I needed to update it.


I go into the system, and address appears to be correct. No surprise, because it was CORRECT ENOUGH TO “ATTEMPT DELIVERY” IN MY TOWN, YOU ASSHOLES. I click to confirm. “No information has been changed”. O RLY. Won’t update.


I call in to the phone system. “we are experiencing high call volume” - ok. I stumble around to “delivery notice” and enter my tracking number, and the phone system DISCONNECTS. Well, that was fun. I go back in, the system tells me that there was nobody available to sign for the package, and they’ll try again tomorrow - PLEASE CONFIRM IF THIS IS OKAY OR SELECT A DIFFERENT DATE. I hang up, because no option is offered for talking to a human, and I’m still reeling from the fact the two systems are calling each other liars.

After that, I call back in and try to force my way through to a human operator by just waiting on the line. I get through to ringing - rings off the wall, doesn’t get picked up by a hold system (!), and disconnects. At least three times, over the span of hours. FUN.


So, I wake up this morning to an email from the shipper in the UK. DHL has had the *balls* to email them, saying “do you have another phone number for your boy? His number doesn’t seem to work.”

Gif: muh anchormanz


Apparently, failing to respond (?) to use of my number by navigating their byzantine order handling online counts as my number not working. Not, oh, I don’t know, CALLING THE NUMBER. So now the wacky hijinx of the local courier in not finding the address properly (?) not doing due diligence and entering that into a system poorly equipped to handle it (?); those hijinx have caused Official Lies to be sent to harass people in other countries.


So, finally, I called DHL again this morning, and finally got through. Confirmed that yes, my number was correct, yes, my address was correct, and she *may* have been able to get a note out to the courier office in time so they can attempt delivery today - and if issues arise to just CALL ME ON THE DAMN PHONE.

Sweet fuck, what an ordeal.

P.S: DHL contact this morning asked me why I didn’t just use the live chat on the website. Because I guess I was supposed to guess that works better than their phone system, their couriers, and their online “address fix” system.

Image: Muh Castle

P.P.S. Faced with “the courier is an incompetent mook”, you’d think “have it delivered to a locker and pick it up” would be an option. However, nearest DHL locker is something like an hour and a half away. No me gusta.

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