I hate to break it to you, but Doug DeMuro's new car sucks.

Despite all of my extremely well thought out suggestions, Doug's new car sucks. I mean, there was a literal list of spectacular choices that I sent him, and you know what? He ignored all of them. I swear he just looked at every good car out there and said, "You know what? I'm going to choose a stupid one instead. I love driving stupid cars that are all wrong in every way."

First, let's talk about the brand. Really? He had to buy that brand? I have an acquaintance with a distant relative who bought that brand twenty years ago, and you know what? They hated their experience. In fact, they hated it so much that they swore they would never let anyone else buy that brand. Maybe if that brand cared about not ruining its customers lives it would be worth buying at a huge discount, but you couldn't pay me to show up somewhere where I'd possibly be seen in a car from that brand. Maybe Doug just wanted to simultaneously ruin his reputation and torpedo his chances of ever succeeding at automotive journalism. If so, buying that brand is doing exactly that.

Next, let's talk about the body style. Could he have chosen a dumber body style? I know he just finished owning a station wagon, and I know he drives a Nissan Cube, but clearly his girlfriend is putting something in his morning coffee because only an insane person would buy something like that when every other better car is available. What is he even going to use it for? Driving to the stupid store to pick up a new bag of stupid for when his current one runs out?


If he's going to buy that kind of car from that brand though, at least get the right engine. Does he have any sense or not? Only someone with zero sense could buy a car with an engine that has the wrong number of cylinders, the wrong displacement, and the wrong type of injection. It doesn't even run on the right type of fuel. Lay off your Georgia mountain man moonshine, Doug. It's making you blind to the truth.

Finally, how could he choose that transmission? I mean, I know he bought a CTS-V with an automatic, but really? Really? Where does his trailer park get its meth? That transmission? Could he not at least spring for the option that has the appropriate number of gears? There may as well be a giant sign in the sky telling people that there is only one acceptable transmission choice, and somehow he missed it. Did he get some bad advice at the overall store? Do they have stores in Georgia? Were there just too many choices for him to choose from?


Maybe I was expecting too much from a guy who would purchase that kind of car from that brand with that engine. Then again, I guess you can't expect much from a guy who made his "fortune" as a porch salesman.