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Drink Review: Monster Java Monster 300

Illustration for article titled Drink Review: Monster Java Monster 300
Image: I bing’d em together and sling’d em together

Background:

I acquired two cans of “Mocha” version of this during a routine stop at a random gas station. They were $3.19 usually, or two for $5, so I totally fell for the upsell. So far, I have dranken one.

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Nutrition info:

Serving size: 1 Can

Sugar: 35g

Caffeine: 300 mg

Other nutritional vitamins and stuff: A few mg here, a few mg there

Warning labels:

RECCOMENDED FOR PERSONS 18 YEARS OR OLDER

SERIOUSLY STRONG COFFEE

CONSUME RESPONSIBLY. NOT RECOMMENDED FOR PERSONS UNDER 18 YEARS OLD, PEOPLE SENSITIVE TO CAFFEINE, PREGNANT WOMEN OF WOMEN WHO ARE NURSING. INTENDED FOR HEALTHY ADULTS ONLY.

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CONSULT A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL BEFORE CONSUMING THIS PRODUCT IF YOU ARE TAKING ANY MEDICATION OR IF YOU HAVE ANY PREEXISTING MEDICAL CONDITIONS.

ONE CAN CONTAINS 300 mg OF CAFFEINE FROM ALL SOURCES. CAFFEINE VALUES MAY VARY BASED ON COFFEE SOURCES. THE FDA HAS STATED THAT CONSUMPTION OF UP TO 400 mg OF CAFFEINE PER DAY FROM ALL SOURCES IS NOT ASSOCIATED WITH ADVERSE HEALTH EFFECTS IN HEALTHY ADULTS

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Review process:

I didn’t bother to read any of the warnings ahead of time and drank the whole can. I also did not consult a professional, take a pregnancy test, or take any other precautions for that matter.

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Initial thoughts:

Tastes like coffee. And chocolate.

Thoughts 5 minutes after drinking:

Everything seems fine.

Thoughts 10 minutes after drinking.

Everything is starting to tingle.

Thoughts 15 minutes after drinking:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Perceived Productivity increases:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Conclusions:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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