If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Drove the G12 BMW 750i, is opulence


I got an email about a month ago from BMW to check out a “culinary and driving experience.” There was also mention of free cocktails and the new 750, so I did what every other Opponaut would do....signed up immediately then tried to figure out how much a kidney sells for on the black market.


A coworker and I made the trek downtown, and saw 10 or so brand spankin’ new G12s lined up on the street. It was a beautiful sight to behold! I held back my giddiness as I signed in and got my hand stamped. I was just waiting for them to look me in the eye and tell me I didn’t belong there...

I walked over to someone with a clipboard that looked important, then they immediately whisked me away to an idling 7 series. I sat there, in the most comfortable seat I ever sat in, with that scared feeling of excitement in the pit of my stomach...akin to the feeling of a first date.


I waited for a BMW rep to come into the car before I set off, but they just waved me on. Confused, I rolled down the window and asked if someone was going to ride with me. The rep just laughed and said “just take it around the block a couple of times, we know where you live!”

Is this a trick? Did they just give me full reign of this magnificent beast? Did I really have the ability to just GTA this perfect machine across country lines?


They waved me on.

I gingerly pressed the throttle, and the speedy marshmallow effortlessly glided along. I said to myself “whatever you do, don’t scratch it.”


I made a right turn, and had a few hundred feet before the red light...the car felt much smaller than its actual dimensions. “Let’s drive directly over this pothole”, I thought to myself.

Did I hit it? I didn’t feel it. Oh, this section of street is cobble....but I don’t feel it. Let’s speed up.....


There’s nothing but the distant pitter-patter of the suspension soaking up every single imperfection of the poor excuse for a road.

I start to laugh maniacally. I am invincible inside my quiet metallic womb...isolated from the rough and dirty street.


Let’s give it the beans. Not too much, just a dab.


I’m back at the staging area. It went too quick! I open the door, and get hit in the face with the noise of the city....I’m back to reality.


As I walk to the building for some free cocktails, I turn and look at the car.

I won’t have you for sometime...decades...but I will have you.

And it will be good.

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