"Everything Hurts and I’m Dying" - a Guide to Hiking With Jesus

An excerpt from my newest book, presented here free of charge! Coming soon to a popular slam poetry club near you.


Everything hurts and I’m dying

Why oh why did I ever go hiking

Ignoring the pain

And the bitter cold rain

I carry on though inside I’m crying


The air outside tears at my face

My boots keep untying at the lace

I’m cold and I’m mad

I’ve tripped oh so bad

Why oh why did I come to this place


I’m fumblin’ and stumblin’ and tumblin’

My elapsed time collapsed is quite troublin’

And though so far has passed

Quarter-mile perhaps

Bitter thoughts in my mind are now grumblin’


Sweat makes rivers and puddles and lakes

I’m a mess but I guess them’s the breaks

Though I wish I was dead

And not hiking instead

At least I’m not stuck cleaning jakes


Oh lord I just don’t understand

What possessed me to go with this plan

Bleeding and bruised

In need of much booze

This goddamn hike can kick sand


I’m asking and begging for mercy

And though I know that I speak with you tersely

You must be aware

That I feel I’m ensnared

To my aid I’m quite ticked you won’t hurry


How I got so damn lost I can’t say

Deaf ears turned by the gods whom I praid

I cursed them by name

Till my voice ‘gan to fade

From the heavens a light shined my way


Then all of a sudden came a bear

This bear gave me quite a large scare

With pants now turned brown

I turned right around

And found myself in the bear’s lair


The god’s light had been naught but a trap

Those dirty conniving **** sacks

With an upwards-turned glare

I said “ye best prepare”

Cause I’m coming to pay you right back


A long story short I must make

To explain to you this twist of fate

The bear that had found me

And almost had downed me

Instead decided a friend I would make


Blood boiling with vengeance we climbed

Wrath filled hearts of both bear and I

At the God’s we did rage

They who did write the page

We’d been used for the very last time


Alright you damn bastards, red rover

Send the big man with white robes on over

For the sins he’s committed

He will not be acquitted

Nay instead of our burden he will shoulder


With a ring of the bell it was set

We took East while ol’ Allah took west

And while two-against-one

Might look unfair to some

Twas deemed kosher by all of the rest


See it seems the big man wasn’t well-liked

Other deities held much hatred and fright

So slammed like a book

With tremendous left hook

When he tapped out the crowds cheered all night


And thusly was fairy tale created

Of the God whom by two was checkmated

And all this begin

With a dumb fookin’ plan

To go hike in the rain “stead of waitin’

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