Definition of the term ‘glutton for punishment’.

My personal fleet

1. Alfa 156 - Air con doesn’t work, could probably do with new shocks and springs, minor exhaust leak. No real problems.

2. Jaguar XJ40 - Squealing fanbelt, swapped rear springs for stock ones but turns out the old springs were lowered stiffer ones not just saggy so ordered £295 lowering springs and need to swap over, didn’t align the diff CW properly when swapping the LSD in so need to pull the rear end and swap again. Minor problems.

3. Jaguar XJ40 - crushed by a tree, need to strip for parts some to keep some to sell. No real problems.

4. Citroen BX - hydraulic leak on the return line from the rear suspension. Minor problem, easy fix, just need to pull my finger out and do it.

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5. Lada Niva - just fixed blown brake master, lots of rust, shot suspension bushes, rear brake locks on sometimes. No real problems as used as farm hack.

6. MG F - running slightly rich with a rough idle, but no codes or anything, slight clonk from front suspension, vague on-centre steering probably worn rack. No real problems.

7. Triumph Spitfire 6 - currently a shell in my garage, but not actually as far away from completion as you’d think looking at it. Project car, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

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8. Triumph Spitfire 1850 - currently just a shell and suspension, have engine for it but it’s not a common swap and has issues, engine seized, don’t have all bits for it yet but slowly collecting as they come up cheap on eBay, do have a fibreglass bonnet but it’s in Sheffield. Project car, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

9. Triumph Spitfire GT16v - currently just a shell and suspension, chassis bent so need new one, don’t have engine, don’t have most of the bits, do have a GT6 roof coming that I can weld onto the Spit body! Project car, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

10. MGB GT Baja - really rotten shell, have engine but in pieces, have gearbox but need to combine V8 LT77 with LR Discovery transfer case, need to swap in IRS from crushed Jag, need to find way of packaging Subaru R160 up front, need to package RV8 R160 and driveshafts in the engine bay, no-one done an AWD swap with an MGB using these components. Project car, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

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11. Suzuki GS500 - needs valves adjusting to get it to run right, rear brake needs plumbing in, needs new clutch cable, need to learn how to ride a bike. Paid £50 for it, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

My dad’s fleet

1. MG F -check engine light code says ‘VVC mechanism fault’ but all parts of mechanism tested and functioning. No real problems.

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2. Alfa 156 SW - clutch gone. Some problems.

3. MG TC - been outside for a while so deteriorated slightly. No real problems.

4. Maserati 228 - very rusty, hens-teeth windscreen cracked, front strut nicked to fix Maserati 430. Some problems.

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5. Maserati 430 - needs some trim bits we bought from a chap in Holland who’s since dropped off the map, needs front suspension rebuilding and an MoT. No real problems.

6. Porsche 914/6 - been outside for a while so deteriorated slightly, rear brake sticks on needs new caliper, gearchange mechanism needs freeing off, idle jet on carb blocked so idles on 5 cylinders, needs bootlid respraying for which we need to finish building my dad’s garage. Some problems.

7. Ford Transit - no real problems.

My sister’s boyfriend’s fleet

1. Mazda RX8 - no problems. Jammy bastard.

2. Peugeot 406 Coupe - injector leaks slightly, just come out of a full suspension rebuild so better have no real problems or else!

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3. Peugeot 106 racecar - needs about 10k more in parts and building up. Project car, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

4. Peugeot 106 GTi - very rusty up front due to PO running without arch liners, engine stripped apart but not rebuilt yet, random parts stolen to build up racecar. Some problems.

5. Kawazaki Zephyr 750 - needs refreshing for the biking season. No real problems.

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6. Yamaha XT600 - needs refreshing for the biking season. No real problems.

7. Some 1100 bloody fast bike - needs refreshing for the biking season. No real problems.

8. Yamaha DT 125 - stripped in need of rebuild. Project bike, ‘problems’ matter of perspective.

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My sister’s fleet

1. Peugeot 106 GTi - not sure what’s wrong with it, but no real problems.

2. MG ZR - head gasket blown needs replacement or maybe new engine. Some problems.

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My mum’s fleet

1. Honda Stream - clunking suspension. No real problems.

2. VW horse lorry - turbo on the way out so slow as a dog. No real problems.

My girlfriend’s fleet

1. Ford Ka - no real problems, other than the fact that she bought it without me so spent £1800 on a Ka.

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So. Not much to do then...