After shopping the company to every car company that has a pulse (and Suzuki), FIAT-Chrysler, better known to short sellers on the New York Stock Exchange as, “The F’n Cow” (NYSE: FCAU), has finally agreed to a buyout.
The price will be $9 billion. Or $3 billion for every Alfa-Romeo that eventually makes it to the United States.
The terms are the following
$6.5 billion for the Jeep brand along with all associated plant, equipment, and Trail-Rated badges.
$3.8 billion for RAM.
$700 million for Chrysler. Mainly because of the Pacifica and the 300.
Unfortunately FIAT did have to pay to get rid of the following properties.
$1.7 billion to liquidate the FIAT brand. This will include a public apology for releasing the 500L, the 500X, and for calling all their dealerships studios.
$299.99 million for continuously pushing back the return of Alfa-Romeo. An annual tradition which apparently stretches all the way back to 1995.
$10,000 in surplus sweaters that were ordered by FIAT’s prior CEO, Sergio Maraschino.
The company has been bought out by this guy.
When asked what he plans to do to help turn around the company, Iacocca took a big puff on his cigar and said,
“Well, first we’re going to start by offering a free Landau roof on every FIAT 500. Then we’re going to sell nothing but trucks, SUVs, and crossovers going forward because who the hell wants to buy a car these days?
The new Chrysler Pacifica will be sold as a stretched RV model that will be the world’s first front-wheel-drive recreational vehicle. We’re going to call it the Californian in honor of its main target market. It will come with 24 speakers, two toilets, and a meth lab.”
Finally, the RAM will have a V6 diesel engine built by Cummins. The new model, called the RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG will also come standard with an extra large ashtray, truck nuts, and a megaphone that will blare out two types of music : country and western. We believe that this new model will easily outsell the entire Cadillac line within a year.