Illustration for article titled FIAT Agrees To $9 Billion Buyout

After shopping the company to every car company that has a pulse (and Suzuki), FIAT-Chrysler, better known to short sellers on the New York Stock Exchange as, “The F’n Cow” (NYSE: FCAU), has finally agreed to a buyout.

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The price will be $9 billion. Or $3 billion for every Alfa-Romeo that eventually makes it to the United States.


The terms are the following

$6.5 billion for the Jeep brand along with all associated plant, equipment, and Trail-Rated badges.

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$3.8 billion for RAM.

$700 million for Chrysler. Mainly because of the Pacifica and the 300.

Unfortunately FIAT did have to pay to get rid of the following properties.

$1.7 billion to liquidate the FIAT brand. This will include a public apology for releasing the 500L, the 500X, and for calling all their dealerships studios.

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$299.99 million for continuously pushing back the return of Alfa-Romeo. An annual tradition which apparently stretches all the way back to 1995.

$10,000 in surplus sweaters that were ordered by FIAT’s prior CEO, Sergio Maraschino.

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The company has been bought out by this guy.

Illustration for article titled FIAT Agrees To $9 Billion Buyout
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When asked what he plans to do to help turn around the company, Iacocca took a big puff on his cigar and said,

“Well, first we’re going to start by offering a free Landau roof on every FIAT 500. Then we’re going to sell nothing but trucks, SUVs, and crossovers going forward because who the hell wants to buy a car these days?

The new Chrysler Pacifica will be sold as a stretched RV model that will be the world’s first front-wheel-drive recreational vehicle. We’re going to call it the Californian in honor of its main target market. It will come with 24 speakers, two toilets, and a meth lab.”

Finally, the RAM will have a V6 diesel engine built by Cummins. The new model, called the RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG will also come standard with an extra large ashtray, truck nuts, and a megaphone that will blare out two types of music : country and western. We believe that this new model will easily outsell the entire Cadillac line within a year.

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