The escapades of Florida Man are well known to Jalopnik readers. From borrowing a sheriff’s cop car to harass an ex, to stealing a light-pole in broad daylight, it’s all in a day’s work for the Sunshine State’s champion of dumb-assery. If you listen close, you can even hear his battle cry, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
And just like Superman, Florida Man has an entire extended family of no-gooders. While the jury’s out concerning Topeka’s CR-V Lady, I have conclusive proof that Florida Man has a cousin. Meet Oklahoma Man, aka John Wayne Kellerman.
Roughly a month ago, Garfield County Sherrif’s deputy Darryl Beebe pulled over Kellerman while he was doing 57 mph in a 45-mph zone. After a “delayed response”, Kellerman pulled over, and Beebe approached. It quickly became clear to the officer that speeding wasn’t all that Kellerman was doing.
For one, the driver was clad only in a banana hammock and most of a container of Vaseline. Additionally, he was tremblin’ something fierce. The porno magazine next to him might’ve had something to do with that.
Deputy Beebe asked John Wayne if he had been, shall we say, howdy-ing the pilgrim. While Kellerman admitted that he had been circling the wagons, the fact that he then offered what was described in the report as a “semen rag” to wipe away the Vaseline from his ID spoke enough on its own.
But wait! The tribulations of Oklahoma Man aren’t over. Turns out, when Beebe ran the ID, that Kellerman hadn’t had a valid license since 1985. The reason? He’d been convicted and imprisoned for a number of crimes: car theft, burglary, narcotics possession, domestic assault, and escaping from the Big House. Yup, definitely a member of the Florida Man family.
Kellerman was subsequently arrested for speeding and driving with an expired license, though he has since been released on a $1000 bond. He once again roams the streets of Oklahoma, coming (and going) as he pleases. For he is, Oklahoma Man!