If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

For $59,998, You Can Own This Warrantied 2008 Mercedes S65 AMG

Today on Buying Extremely Unreliable Cars With a Warranty because Carmax, we have this absolutely wonderful 2008 Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG, for the low low price of $59,998.

Oh, Carmax. You've done it again.

Okay. So maybe $59,998 isn't exactly a bargain, but it's still a hell of a lot cheaper than the original $200k price tag this car originally had.

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The S65 AMG. The car that quite literally screams "I'm a rich asshole" and "My wife is better looking than yours" and "My Titleist golf clubs are the same ones <insert famous golfer here> uses." It beckons people to become jealous of it. It wants to make them mad that they weren't more successful in life. It wants to make people feel like they are failures at everything. It wants people to know that the person driving it is in fact a huge d-bag.

I live in a fairly ritzy area, and I see these S65s far too often. So often that the charm of "Fuck you and your cheap plastic American crap" that these cars say to me really has no effect. I can drive by the fanciest restaurant in town and see a half dozen of these, and at least a dozen more "regular" S-class'.

But it still pisses me off.

But for $59,998, can you really get anything of better quality? What doesn't this S65 have? It has power, massaging, heated, cooling, breakfast making, taxes doing, leather seats. It has all tech goodies one could ever imagine. It even has a built in lap timer for when you bring your son Napoleon XXVI to the local circuit.

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However, it does not have rear televisions. Which is probably a good thing anyway since Napoleon XXVI already has 4 iPads. Seriously though, does anyone who owns expensive cars with rear screens actually use them?

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But it does have an integrated telephone. I guess that can be the secret phone you use to call your mistress so your wife won't does out. Or maybe you can become a super spy and use it to phone M that you got herpes from that Russian double agent. But again, who will use this?

It also has Active Body Control suspension as well as Dynamic Cornering, a Torque Vectoring Brake, Distronic Plus, Cross Wind Assist, and a whole boat load of other features I doubt you'll realize you even have until it breaks. But don't worry about that. We're talking about a car you can get with a warranty, so fret not about random things braking.

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It even has the most useless clock in the history of the world. I don't understand why luxury automakers are so keen on having analog clocks in their cars. Are the sophisticated people who drive these cars just too smart and rich to have to use digital ones?

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Also included is a random V12 badge in the middle of the dash, for you know, if you ever forget to mention to your passengers that the car has a twin turbo V12 and that "It can beat their cheapo BMW M3 in a straight line."

Now to the most important part of this car in my opinion. More important than those breakfast making seats or that analog clock in the middle of the dashboard. The torque monster that lies beneath the hood.

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Just look at that behemoth. 604 horsepower and 738 lb. ft. of torque. I guess if your ever running late to that important business meeting deciding what color mirror you want in the executive bathroom, you know you can make it on time.

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Although I've clearly expressed my extreme hate for this car, there's no denying it incredible quality and features. For $59,998 with an optional warranty, can you really go wrong? All the luxury of the world with no need to worry. If only Carmax sold Ferraris, but life is never that perfect is it, so why not buy the next closest thing to the ultimate "fuck you" to poor people.

BTW, I was too lazy to edit this, so feel free to be a grammar Nazi

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