At 1:00 P.M. this afternoon the new CEO of Ford, Mr Lee Iacocca Myles III, dropped a bombshell that will resonate with owners of Ford products throughout North America.

After careful review of our product line, we have decided to phase out all cars that begin with the letters F-A-T. That way our customers will feel less guilty about buying family crossovers that are the size of school buses and heifers.

This will mean the gradual slaughter phase out of at least five vehicles that Ford currently sells in the USA. The Fiesta, Focus, Fusion, Taurus, and a bulbous platypus-like vehicle known within Ford as the C-Max but is more commonly known to the public as “What The Hell Is That Thing?!!”

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This was not a hard decision for Ford’s new leadership. Recent hire and Cadillac alum Johan De Cookiemonster who summed it up best when he exclaimed.

This will hit Dearborn’s R&D the hardest as there were already plans to introduce four new cars between now and 2020.

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The Escort - a model designed exclusively for hourly rentals that would have featured unique toys and a fold-out bed.

The Colt - a car that would make horse noises and dump large loads of horse manure with the touch of a button.

The Maverick DWI- an Australian wagon made in Hollywood that would have swerved throughout traffic and yelled out anti-Semitic insults to police officers and random strangers.

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The Tardis EV - a 40kw electric car that would have looked exactly like a British telephone booth. Early prototypes show no wheels. However it was planned to be run by special effects from the 1970s.

Ford stock went up 3.2% in after hours trading.