Ended up destroying five of them to get this far. Two were of the screw-inside-a-pin type and three were these flat tabs that held the bumper to the grill. I’ll have to contact PartsGroup in FL or see if Panic Motorsports is open tomorrow for quick replacements that won’t gouge my wallet out (also fuck you, local Mazda stealerships). Jake, if you’re reading this, then I highly DO NOT recommend trying this. It’s an absolute pain in the ass.
Whatever, today’s half of the battle was the hardest part. Tomorrow and Saturday is all about installing these beauties.