Gather round, Oppo, for the story of how I chased down a hit and run in my underwear

A little over 4 years ago, my wife and I were settling in for bed. She was awfully pregnant, and we had an 18 month old already. We hear a loud noise. “What’s that?”, asks the wife. I start to say “it’s just the garbage can or something”, but I don’t believe it either, do I grab my glasses and hop out of bed. I look out the window and see a Mercury mountaineer ass deep in my GTI, street parked legally. “Mother fucker hit my car!” I tell, and run out the door to get their attention.

Oppo, did I stop to out on shoes? I did not. Shirt? Nah. Pants? Not a chance. In the late summers of Virginia, j sleep in my underwear.

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Did the person stop? They did not, but there was a stop sign a block away, and I was hoping to get close enough to read the plate, so I start running. They blow through the stop sign and keep going.

I’m about to give up, when I see them pull over up ahead. Driver gets out to check out the damage on her bumper. She is middle aged and drunk in a Monday. I run up, memorize her plate, then ask “hey, you just hit my car back there?” She looks at me in my boxers and says “I didn’t hit anything”, gets in her car, and bolts.

I run home, saying her plate over and over. Walk inside. Wife. Is. Pissed. Put her off for a second, hot down the plate, call the cops. Give wife attention. “What the hell is wrong with you! You didn’t say anything and just ran out the door! You left me, pregnant, with a toddler and just ran off into the night! What if they had a gun?”

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Me: it was just some drunk old lady

Wife: you didn’t know that when you ran out the door!

Me: concedes point.

Cops show up, say they already got her. Give me her I do and insurance. Lives next block up. Turned a street too soon, made a three point turn, and backed into my car.

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I try to go through her insurance, but give up after a few days because they won’t pay without talking to her first and she won’t respond to their calls and emails. USAA takes care of me.

Cops ask if I’d cooperate pressing charges on the hit and run to go along with the dui. At this point she had not cooperated with insurance, not offered to pay, and not even stopped by to say sorry. So yes, town prosecutor, I’d love to cooperate. She cuts a deal last moment, day of trial, when I actually show up to testify. Pretty sure it still involved jail time.

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Oppo, I swear on my Gold Membership that this is completely true.

This had been story time with Cash Rewards

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