In an unexpected press conference Monday afternoon, General Motors CEO Mary Barra somberly took responsibility for four recent, powerful Atlantic hurricanes as part of an elaborate marketing ploy.
“We sincerely apologize to the people of Texas, Florida, Barbuda, the Virgin Islands, Florida again, and Puerto Rico for the tragedies we have inflicted in recent weeks,” she began. “There is simply no excuse to allow Meteorological Marketing to get out of hand. Our thoughts and prayers and good vibes and Namaste are with you all.”
Ms. Barra claims that the four hurricanes – Harvey, Irma, Maria, and Nate – were almost entirely the responsibility of GM’s ultra-secretive marketing plan for the launch of the 2019 GMC Syclone pickup and Typhoon SUV.
For years, experts have insisted that it would be impossible to use human intervention to stop a hurricane. Ideas from chemical seeding to nuclear weapons to simply shooting guns into the hurricane had all been considered, but none were fully pursued in the battle against the most powerful weather phenomenon on the earth.
However, beginning in 2009, GM’s marketers wondered whether the opposite might be true: Can a hurricane be started with human intervention?
Luckily, GM already had a head start on the project and didn’t even know it. As one of the most prolific producers of large trucks and SUVs for nearly a century, their contributions toward the warming of equatorial Atlantic waters had already sowed the seeds of the project — they simply had to find a way to capitalize on it.
“We figured we should take advantage of the resurgence in SUVs and trucks over the past year,” claims GM Chief Product Strategist Hector Rivera. “So we decided to re-boot the idea of putting a large engine in a mainstream truck, adding a little suspension tuning and body work, then marketing it as something entirely new.”
To that end, Rivera and his team took an engine normally reserved for the Chevrolet Corvette and put it into GMC’s midsize Canyon pickup. “We knew that fitting them with the LS [V8 engines] would get expensive, but it was worth the risk,” Rivera continued. “We knew the 2017 hurricane season was predicted to be very active, so we didn’t want to delay the announcement of the Syclone and eventually the Typhoon, which will likely be based on the Chevy Trax crossover.”
However, the hurricane season proved to be far deadlier than expected, which GM feared would backfire on their efforts. With 83 deaths from Harvey, 73 from Irma, 34 from Maria, and two from Nate, Barra and GM Senior Management realized the death toll had already exceeded the 124 ignition switch-related deaths from 2013-15.
“Once the Syclone concept had killed more people than the Cobalt, I decided to pull the plug on the entire project,” explained Ms. Barra. “After our 2006 Syclone exploratory efforts using the first-generation Canyon, Typhoon Xangsane hit Thailand and we risked losing one of our only low-cost factories in the world. And also probably some people. We should have known better.”
“I’m just thankful we never launched the new Oldsmobile Toronado before we retired the brand.”
Ash78 never really liked The Scorpions very much.