Not content to let Ford steal the limelight with their new Bronco announcement, General Motors CEO Mary Barra announced Monday morning that the Hummer brand would be resurrected earlier than planned in order to bring new H2 and H3 SUVs to the US market by the end of 2020.
“We looked at the strong sense of nostalgia across the market today,” Barra stated in a Detroit press conference, “And we concluded that many Young Millennial and Gen Z buyers would love to re-live the early 2000s again.”
Citing the period in which Hummer experienced its peak sales, the era was characterized by low fuel prices, affordable education, and the use of home equity to buy just about everything. Although Barra’s target market today were just children at the time, she firmly believes they would again like to ignore all negative economic indicators in the quest for material excess.
“These young adults now face an increasingly uncertain world, from the COVID pandemic to widespread racial justice issues,” Barra continued, “Nostalgic products can foster a sense of comfort matched only by a combination of biweekly therapy, heavy doses of benzodiazepines, and Netflix marathons under a weighted blanket.”
Although GM officially killed the Hummer brand in 2010 amid the Great Recession’s high unemployment and soaring fuel prices, it announced last year that Hummer would be resurrected as an all-electric brand in the near future. Although the electrification plan has faced its own delays, GM believes the new retro-inspired models will serve as a perfect interim strategy to rebuild the brand.
Barra continued by explaining that the new models would be stylistically based heavily on the original ones, with upgrades including aftermarket Bluetooth stereo head units, remote engine starters, and backup cameras mounted to the license plates. She insisted that production capacity would not be a bottleneck, but did not elaborate.
“Our timeline is based firmly on how much capacity Best Buy has, but we feel confident that the Geek Squad can help us deliver as promised,” Barra affirmed.
At press time, Derek Ritter, Head Electronics Installer at Best Buy #321 in Ann Arbor, Michigan, was seen taking a vape break on the loading dock in front of more than 20 Hummer H2 models awaiting upgrades.
More car-based satire here: https://oppositelock.kinja.com/tag/taketheoutsideline