Let’s face it, GM sucks at making cars. Even CEO Mary Barra admits this. “The only thing we have is heritage, but when we try to play into that, people complain! People bitch about how the new Camaro doesn’t have T-tops, or how stupid we are with this new Blazer instead of bringing over the international Trailblazer, and look, I kind of get it, but remember, we’re still GM, and the only way you get where I am is by being stupid.”

The Cruze is kind of lackluster, and no diesel hatchback with the sunroof, yet it’s still a heavy pig. “GM has been all about the porky pork,” Barra says. “And by far the best weight-reduction program has been done by Mazda. NOBODY beats them at that!” She claims they were waiting for their special Ferric Oxidation Xtreme technology patents to expire before using it, but later admitted that Mazda didn’t actually patent because its inventor Ito Mazuda knew that “nobody who isn’t a comprete moron would ever bother to copy this shit because it’s not even worth stearing. Even the Chinese raffed at us!”

So Barra’s solution? Rebadge the first-gen Mazda3 and sell it as a Vega! She notes that’s it’s still made in China, and that China is the Certified Counterfeit Kings! So even if Ford and Mazda don’t give them permission or tooling, GM China’s Chief Counterfeit Officer Ding-dong “Bill” Pee claims that “it doesn’t matter because we can copy that origami shit in a half-second” but admits that “pirating the ECU software may be a bit of a charrenge, but we can usuarry find guys to do that.” Pee has been a Communist Party of China-Certified Counterfeiter since 2003.

GM tried to recruit the original engineers for the 70s Vega, many of which quit GM to work for Mazda anyway, and a few worked on the first-gen 3. But Chief HR Loser Medusa Dumbich states that “none of the ones who are still alive would ever want anything to do with this project” for reasons that are totally understandable. She continues, “even the staffing agencies we work with, none of them could even get anyone to lie on their resume pretending they had that experience,” not even after offering 5 years of free CareerExcuse!

And what about the heritage? “Well, DUH!” Barra is familiar with the “very popular meme image on the web with a completely-rusted Mazda 3 that was about 3 years old at the time.” But she won’t be satisfied unless there’s rust while it’s still on the assembly line, which worries her since China has gotten better at counterfeiting. A known ruster with GM’s Trademark Cheapening will play the most genuine homage and will totally satisfy the Heritage crowd.

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Here are some spy shots

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