Well, after a lot of shopping the Mini around, I ended up selling it on the high end of wholesale to a dealer across town.
Now, without a car payment and living a whopping .75 of a mile from the office, we can say "hello Volvo!"
Picked up a 98 V70 XC for $700. Needs tires, front brakes and a heater core. Managed to snag one with a working AWD system, just barely broken in at 209k miles.
Going to need a new Oppo sticker for this beast :)