Every morning I drink a French press. Coffee in it's purest form, no filters, no bullshit. It's the best way to directly inject caffeine into my bloodstream, similar to shooting heroin when snorting it doesn't quite cut-the-mustard. During my caffeine infused high, on ocassion, instead of my usual routine of googling Lil Wayne's net worth, or bitting my toe nails, I head to the gym for a half-ass workout and some high quality people watching. Ya, I can tell exactly what you drive with some keen profiling. So, without further ado....

Steroid Abuser Guy - A forklift operator by day, and small time juice dealer by night. Also works weekends as a gay (but not gay, he only does it for the money) soft-core porn actor. Drives a 1989 Toyota Corolla, cause he swapped it for a bottle of testosterone when a fellow juice-head didn't have enough cash. Barely fits in his Corolla. But, has 42'' pipes, and that's all that matters.

Redneck - Nicest guy in the world, if you're republican. Offers you a preemptive bench-press spot in the parking lot, and swears, if Obama is elected for a 3rd term, he'll pay for your gas forever. If terrorist raided the gym, he'd stand in front of the bullets, while the rest of us shit ourselves and cowered behind the stair master. Always wears a hat with some sort of dear murdering reference?

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This guy's a hard worker, though. Holding the stop sign during road construction 40 hours a week is tough. That city money, after taxes, is enough to buy the following badass motherfucker: a 2010 Ram Charger diesel with 6" lift kit.

Super Hot Chick That Does Full Makeup and Hair Prior To Working Out - Great for business, as most meatheads plan their visits around hers. Loves to do lunges, squats, hamstrings, or, anything that involves bending over, all the way. Funny thing is, when you get caught starring at her hindquarters, she gives you the stank face? She drives a 2015 Honda Civic Ex, coupe, automatic, red. And looks damn good in it.

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Out Of Shape Middle-Age Man Wearing A Tank Top - Why would anybody intentionally show off their love handles? Every time this guy walks buy, I wanna barf. The visual of his gigantic side-boob, combined with his sweaty head-band are awful. He drives a 2010 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited with the doors off, so when he's wearing his tank-top, his love handles are exposed to traffic.

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The Whale - Don't confuse this term with the Asian who blows 2 million at the Bellagio. I'm referring to the guy and gals that sweat profusely doing arm circles. 90% of their gym visits are between Jan 1st and Jan 23rd, or until they fall back into a diabetic coma. I'm always proud when I see these folks at the gym, instead of the all-you-eat China buffet, sucking down General Tso's chicken. Perhaps the only demographic that drive a 1999 Caravan, without kids. Why? Easy ingress / egress, and all the cup holders fit a big-gulp.

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I know, I forgot Paulie from Jersey Shore. We all know he drives a caddy....

Flyinglap aka Joe knows more useless car information than anybody. He owns every Car & Driver since 1986. His 11 year old son knows the difference between an E24 and E28. His 7 year old son says "gai-ar-doh" not "gah-lar-doh".