First, music. Because music. Listen HQ or I will end you.
Tonight is most definitely a “lots of whiskey” night. Shipped crap, filed some paperwork, and somewhere in there managed to fuck up my hip again. The RCA on that however, is stress. Basically, as any competent physician will tell you, I have a feedback loop problem. First, let’s start you with the pain chart I and my doctor use.
My days have starting with my pain around a 3-4, which is manageable. (And yes, I have been at Too Serious For Numbers. A marrow tap WITHOUT sufficient anesthesia is only a 9 or 10.) 3-4 is uncomfortable, and if I push too hard, I abso-fucking-loutely know it. Add stress, and I tense up a lot. Which pushes that 3-4 up to a 5-6 real goddamn fast. Well that pain causes me to tense up more, and bam, you’ve got a feedback loop. Yesterday was the first day in a year where my pain was at a 2 when I woke up, solved with little, yellow, different.
Aaaaaaaand then the crazy which had my day end on about 5.5. Which of course makes it hard to sleep, and makes my sleep quality shit, so today started at a 4. Then I had to deal with unnecessary bullshit unrelated to crazy (boy my life is so much fun) which was extremely stressful and bam, hello 6. Had to go ship something fairly heavy and awkward, and yeah. That much tension plus a little tweak, and I can confirm that Jesus wasn’t a white boy.
Which hit an 8 this evening because the crazy claims absolutely no memory of yesterday’s drama. Fucking seriously? So now do I spend my time worrying about the fact that they apparently had a psychotic break or assume they’re lying about it or worry about what other shit it could be?
And the more I think about it, the more I realize, the answer is: fuck that shit, I am not letting it be my problem any more. I have enough goddamn trouble functioning reliably as is and psycho has done an immeasurable amount of damage to that over the years. Clearly they are either going to keep escalating or things are going to deteriorate. Which it is is irrelevant; I am not making any more time or space for either.