This week, in Philadelphia, there are going to be TWO sports events that draw large crowds.

The first is the “NFL Draft Experience.” I don’t know what that is or why it has to be an experience and not something done in a conference room or at least a stadium, but it means they’re closing off the Parkway for six days.

The second is the Penn Relays. If you’re not aware, the Penn Relays is the largest track and field event in the U.S. and will have somewhere in the area of 15,000 participants from around the U.S. and the world. It means a shit ton of people, plus their families, plus endless buses.

Both of these events take place from the 27th through the 29th.  

For those of you not familiar with Philadelphia, understand that Philadelphia’s streets essentially exist in two categories—the original streets that were planned in 17th century for horses and carriages, and a cluster fuck of terrible planning that resulted from corruption in the 1930s.

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I cannot emphasize enough what a bitch it is to drive in Philadelphia if you’re not used to it. Drivers are psychotic, streets have no rhyme or reason, blocks are too short cause intersections get blocked, nothing is labeled correctly, no one knows how to merge, there’s a ton of construction going on, lanes end with little warning.

The combination of road closures, confused tourists, and and traffic basically means that this city’s already deeply fucking unhinged drivers are going to have a hair trigger.

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I’m already making plans to take a four or five day weekend, because fuck this so hard.