What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?

So I've been conversing back and forth with my father more than usual this week. He is a car enthusiast much like myself. In fact, he was the one that hooked me on these things we call cars to start with. You see, dear old dad is trying to justify the purchase of a lightly used Gen II Porsche 997 Turbo and he must have been looking for me to say that he must immediately go and purchase said 997 Turbo without fail... But I didn't.

My father currently owns a Bentley Continental GTC and a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S, both of which he plans on keeping, so the 997 Turbo would be a third car. He claims that used 997 Turbo's are such a great value right now that he couldn't possibly not consider one (our ideas of "great value" differ immensely).

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My first thought was that if I had two bloated 550hp all-wheel-drive vehicles in my garage, the last thing I would want is a third. I expressed this to him and suggested that perhaps he look at something with a soul. That maybe going back to the basics is something that would be fun. Air-cooled. Raw. No electronic aids. Noisy. Harsh. That he should get something that is the complete opposite of what he already has in terms of driving dynamics and experience.

When I was growing up we always seemed to have a Porsche in the driveway, be it a 928S, a 944 Turbo S, or an air-cooled 911. As an adult, my object of desire is a 1987(ish) 911 Carrera. No tail. Grand Prix white with colour matched Fuch wheels. Perhaps a little closer to the tarmac, and with euro front lenses and euro amber rears.

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The nostalgia seemed lost on him. He was zeroed in on this 997 Turbo. Many mentions of the bulletproof Mezger mill and how water-cooled tech was a necessity for Porsche to further extract power from the H-6 motors. Talk about better interior layout, supercar performance and so on and so forth. I was beginning to wonder why he asked for my opinion in the first place!

So it was obvious the old man had already spent considerable time having very grand conversations in the bathroom mirror with himself about the purchase of a 997 Turbo. I wasn't yet convinced my work was done though.

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I made mention throughout these conversations that I wasn't fond of the Turbo's looks as they were too boy-racer for me, let alone him pushing up against 70 years old. I hinted that it would further add to the steaming pile of douchebaggery that the Continental and Cayenne already are and if he absolutely must go 997, to perhaps look at something a little more clean and classy like a 997 Targa4S (my choice if I were to be buying a 997), or at the least a Carrera4S.

I said that if he could find one with the X51 package, he'd be looking at 380hp, which is plenty enough to get into trouble. He would also have a crisp, clean looking 911 without all of the ducts and wings and valances that lend the Turbo its Fast & Furious looks. For a moment, he agreed. He said he knew I was a fan of Targas, but he has always been a coupe guy, and that perhaps he should indeed be looking at a Carrera4S. And then he went full-circle back to the 997 Turbo again.

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I could go on and on. This kind of banter went on and on for days and days. He is still set on the 997 Turbo and failed to read between the lines in that if he just bought a classic 911 rather than the 997, he could afford to buy his dear boy a classic 911 too! But I'll also never forget his response when asking him for his stainless Rolex Submariner when he upgraded to a gold GMT Master.... "I still use the Submariner for washing the cars and cutting the grass, so I'll have to think about it."

Oh, dad......

We did come to one conclusion though. The one thing this 39 year old and his 65 year old father agreed on was that deciding which 911 to buy is much like deciding whether to suck on the right tit or the left tit. You can waste time debating the finite details of each, but in the end you can't go wrong with either one...

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Illustration for article titled How To Fail At Talking Your Father Out Of A 997 Turbo

This is not his car. It is click bait.

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