Are you looking for something to put on your resume that bests “fired from the Hollywood Video in Stanwood for stealing bags of unpopped popcorn?” Why not lend those skills to us!*

WHAT WE WANT

Give us vague ideas. It’s so constraining and close-minded to write about “a” car. What about all the other cars you’re excluding? Why do you hate them? Why are so filled with hate? Conversely, hating on everything is all the rage today, so maybe start with that. Just make sure you hate as many things as you can to be inclusive.

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Give us explicit documentation of your mundane existence. A walk to the fridge is a highly underrated trek. And what about that time your poo was a really weird color or terrifying consistency? Wrap it all up with some analogy about the meaning of life or love or some other crap you don’t really believe.

Give us stories that are original and genuine. Proven stories are great, but if it’s already been a story, and it’s already been written... what the hell would we even need you for? Just link the pertinent information and go away. We want you to MAKE your own stories, not repackage other people’s for easy consumption. The pillars of Oppositelock — or backbone, if you prefer — is loose expression of thoughts and digging up regions of the brain that should in most setting be left repressed and dormant Yes, okay, yes, yes, it’s true: you could literally post a title and a link and then we can all engage in a thought-provoking exchange in the comments section that generates both understanding and camaraderie among all participants. Or, you can post more that time you thought you were walking to the bathroom but ended up pooping in the fridge.

Here’s an example of a story we turned down:

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Oh, right. We already let people post basically whatever they want... But standards are quickly rising, so sharpen those fingertips!

Give us stories that we could get ourselves, but don’t have the motivation to do so. In theory anything could be “gotten” with the appropriate amount of time, effort, or money. We don’t care how you did; we care that you did it! And you got to do all the work while the rest of us sat back and did nothing! Is this not what an audience is?

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Also, we will not pay for good potato pics. Everyone in the first world owns a high-resolution camera that sometimes makes phone calls and uses Incognito Mode web browsing. So please post your photos, but don’t work too hard to get them. It will be a thankless endeavor and don’t be surprised to find those photos on other sites completely uncredited.

WHAT WE DON’T WANT

If you find yourself asking, “should I write for you?” please know we have no interest in proofreading any of your drafts or screening any of your stories and sources. If you send us anything to this effect, please know we will intentionally ignore your inquiries harder than a craigslist reply offering to trade your car for a soiled futon.

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Also, we want more car reviews. We like cars. We like you. We like that you like cars. Please write about cars, and don’t forget those un-commissioned potato pics. But be fair and review as many cars as possible. This may require you buying vehicles far more frequently than the average consumer. But financial ruin and grumblings from the spouse that hasn’t left you yet is a small price to pay for providing High Kwality Kontent.

We probably won’t buy blog posts and news items, which is the beauty of Oppositelock: it’s already a blog. Posting here voids and financial promise we will claim we’ve never made to you in the first place. As soon as it’s under our header, it’s ours. All of ours! Also, something about freedom of press and information and all that jazz. And besides, no one should get paid for regurgitating someone else’s hard work... That kind of sounds awful!

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WHERE TO SEND IT

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Good luck, we’re all counting on you!

* Position offers no pay, no compensation, no acknowledged record of your affiliation with our brand, no health benefits, and high-deductible dental plan.

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