Oh God of all the weird-ass posts I’ve done....

Since we’re all about submarines and showering on submarines and that its’ a bad idea to steal on a submarine and how it’s hard to celebrate the recent SCOTUS ruling with the lack of privacy on a submarine today, this is a guide on how to save water while showering when you’re on a submarine, or in any other situation where water is precious and must be preserved and/or rationed at nearly any cost, but not quite when it reaches the point where you have to sacrifice personal hygiene to cover the tip in that cost.

If You Don’t Have to, Don’t

No, I’m not talking about skipping showers altogether (I’ll cover that later). I’m talking about skipping skipping showers, uh, so that your body doesn’t have to not not stink.

I’m guessing that the number of people who are actually onboard a submarine reading this right now is exact zero because I’m also guessing the WiFi strength of a submarine 500 feet below the ocean’s surface is going to be very poor. So chances are very few if any of you out there are actually in such dire need to ration water that you need to skip showering completely, or if you’re say Wes Siler and camping in the middle of the woods there’s nobody around to complain about your stink anyway.

So, yeah, if you can, take a shower. Don’t go overboard but clean yourself up all properly and stuff and take as long as you need.

Skip the Hair

Here’s a fun personal fact: until recently I had grown my hair out to a total of about 14 inches so I can donate it to charitable causes. In the intervening time it was a bitch to wash and doubled my shower time (I was also frequently mistaken for a woman, so I started growing out a beard, but then people started mistaking me for a hipster so I started shaving again). Washing hair takes a good chunk of time and water from your shower experience, so if you’re that tight on resources you might want to skip it. Yes, hair does stink after a while but if you’re on a submarine (and the US Navy) you probably have it in a buzzcut and under a cap anyway, which can mitigate stink for longer periods than other areas of your body. A short buzzcut will also greatly reduce the amount of time and water needed to wash your hair to the point where you can just super-quickly run it over with some shampoo or soap and be done. The same goes for facial hair - buzz it or skip it.

Advertisement

Prioritize

Ah yes, the magical panacea for everything efficiency-related. Chances are everyone reading this is at least old enough to start thinking about a driving permit, which means you’re old enough to know your body pretty well. You know what areas stink. Wash those areas first. You can pretty much skip anything else.

Lather Before Water

Applying soap before you even turn on the water will, obviously, duh, save water.

Advertisement

Skip the Daily Shower, but Try To Shower Every Other Day

Human odors and stink can typically remain tolerable after skipping a day or even two, but anything more than that and you risk being called out stinking like rotten rat testicles (or whatever language was used in that article, I don’t know I don’t have it up right now). Obviously if you’re on an assignment that involves frequent activity or movement the amount of time that stink remains tolerable gets shortened.