If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Hypothetically Speaking: How I Would Annoy Car Buyers

Attention: the following is a long joke with a lukewarm payoff at the end. Continue reading at your sense of humor's risk.

An automotive executive puts the finishing touches on a new car her company has spent billions developing. She comes to my team in marketing to name her new baby. We pick something inoffensive like INOFFENSO or INOFFENSIMA. It tests well in our target demo and it doesn't arouse any passions or elicit an emotional response; it's perfect.

This new car has three different trim levels that also need designations. Because I lost at office hockey, this task is left to me. After many alpha-numeric considerations, I resign myself to an alpha-only pool. Three titles arise: SC, for "smart choice" (budget version); SE, for "some extras" (middle-of-the-road version); SZ, for "sport zebra" (tier-1 with zebra-print interior).


What's more, in a green effort, the company has done away with all paper-based transactions for this new model. The INOFFENSIMA can only be purchased via a spoken contract. Literally tens of businessmen and new parents flood showroom floors to purchase the new car. They all leave with headaches.

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