I’m getting married in October. My fiancee is handling most of the wedding planning that requires having opinions, like what color flowers, and I’m dealing with logistics and negotiating. The wedding planner is being a pain in my ass over some salad.

The resort where we’re getting married has their own “wedding planner” (actual job title: Wedding Sales Manager) who likes to rush through meetings and conversations, and does her best to jack up the price of things as much as possible.

Since we’re going to have a lot of out-of-town guests, and we’re not doing a rehearsal dinner, we’re hosting an informal dinner the night before the wedding, and a brunch the morning after. The non-rehearsal dinner is going to be a couple hours, with pizza, and people can come and go as they please while visiting with us.

The resort wants to charge us $15 per pizza, which is a totally reasonable, normal thing to charge at such a gathering. Then the wedding planner mentioned they have this additional buffet option for $13/person for bread sticks, garlic bread, salad, and strawberry shortcake trifle. My fiancee and I agreed that carb-a-palooza the night before our wedding is not desirable, but it’d be nice to have some kind of veggies aside from the pizza so people who don’t want to tank up on only pizza have another option.

I asked the wedding planner what I thought was a simple question: can we have some salad but not that whole buffet nonsense. The discussion of this salad has been anything but simple.

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Several times along the way, I’ve stopped myself from sending a more-assholeish version of my response about the salad, but I’m getting progressively less tolerant of her and progressively more snarky.

Here are the discussions of the salad, within larger emails about several other topics. Feel free to read this while listening to some Wu Tang Clan.

Me: Is it possible to have some salads in addition to pizzas? We don’t necessarily want the whole buffet with breadsticks and whatever else but figured salads to go with pizza would be appealing.

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Wedding Planner: Removing the breadsticks from the pizza party buffet would not change the price. The pizza party buffet is value driven, so it would still be $13 per person.

Me: I’m not sure we’re on the same page about salad to go with pizza. According to the menu you sent us, the buffet includes salad, bread sticks, garlic toast, and strawberry shortcake trifle. This is an option above and beyond the cost of the pizzas, it’s not required, correct? Assuming that’s the case, we were hoping to just add some salad to the pizzas rather than do that whole buffet. I don’t understand why a few trays of salad would require being charged the per-person buffet price.

Wedding Planner: I spoke with our Chef in regards to the Pizza Menu. If you would like to do the salad in addition to the pizzas, it would still be the cost as if the bread sticks, garlic toast, and trifle were included. This is because it is quite labor intensive to set up the salad as it is set up like a salad bar (bowls for cheese, veggies, etc).

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Me: For salad at the pizza party, can we please have some trays or large serving bowls of already-made salad (like the Four Lettuce Salad on the menu for the reception), and some dressing on the side? Even some veggie trays with stuff like carrots and celery and dip could work. All we want is to have some kind of veg for people to graze on in addition to the pizza. We don’t want a whole salad bar setup and really don’t want to pay that additional $13/person buffet cost just to have some veggies available. We’d happily pay for the large salads, veggie trays, whatever shape this takes.

Wedding Planner: I spoke with Chef to try and come up with a solution. He is going to do an Iceberg lettuce tossed salad with cucumbers, tomatoes, and carrots with Italian Dressing on the side for $5 per person.

Me: While $5/person for salad is better than $13/person, my problem is with being charged by the person, when the pizzas are by the pizza. On the estimate, you’ve got 15 pizzas at $15 each for a total of $225. Even at the $5/person for salad, if we ended up with 40 people, that’s $200 for salad. It makes no sense that a couple big trays of salad with the absolutely most-basic ingredients like iceberg lettuce and not even some mixed greens, are nearly the same price as 15 pizzas. That’s crazy. As I’ve been saying, we’re happy to pay for these salads, but it has to be some kind of cost that makes sense, and paying by the person does not make sense.

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I got an out-of-office reply in response to my latest message about this salad.

The saga continues.