After an expedited car search over the past week, I have found the one. Its a 2006 Acura TL and (Pending inspection from my mechanic) its the newest addition to the fleet. Just look at my sad Pathfinder behind it.
Its not RWD, its an automatic, and its not much of a rocketship, but it is quiet, comfortable, and has more toys than I have EVER had in a car. It feels a lot like my old Volvo S70, but with a much less exciting engine.
Plans are to keep it stock for a while to evaluate its worthiness, then wheels, Tein Basis coilovers (Set to stock ride height actually), and Borla Pro XS for a nice quiet but deep exhaust note.
They had a new ZL1 there too, so that was nice.