When I was a kid I remember Sears as being a really cool store. Granted, I’m into chainsaws and wrenches and patio furniture and gas grills so what’s not to love?

Anyway I know they haven’t evolved into an online presence and have suffered as a result. I didn’t know that the wings had departed the aircraft entirely and that they were spiraling into the side of a mountain. Now I know. Wow do I know.

I wanted a new cal-king mattress to replace the queen one I’ve been sleeping on. I attempted to buy one from Sears. Well, I actually placed the order. I ordered three things:

- Mattress

- Box Spring

- Frame

Those were supposed to arrive today. This is after placing an online order and getting an email the next day saying their fraud department needed to confirm that I placed the order. I spoke with the fraud department who asked me an uncomfortable amount of information. Then I got several confirmation emails. Then the phone calls began. I was getting phone calls from human beings alerting me to expect an automated phone call with the delivery window. I got six of those automated calls but they were all silence. Growing concerned I called the customer service number to confirm that I didn’t need to respond to the robot call in some way as it clearly was malfunctioning. Everything will arrive today between 12:00-2:00.

Then the robot calls me a couple more times and finally finds it’s voice and tells me they will be there between 12:00 and 2:00.

So the delivery guys arrive at 10:00 am and since I was already aware that I’m dealing with chucklefucks and didn’t trust this to go well I was up and ready. Old bed has already been picked up by my cousin who needed one for their ever-growing teenage football player kid. I have nothing but a very large, clean, open space on the hardwood floor, ready to go.

They arrived with a mattress, a frame, and half of a box spring. Yes, just half. Cal-king beds have two piece box springs. I tell the driver I’m not going to put a mattress on the floor and lean a bed frame and half of a box spring against the wall and hope that Sears can get me the other half someday, who knows when.

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He agreed that this was wise. I feel he had these conversations often. He has to call in to report the problem and the person he is speaking with asks to speak with me.

“So you ordered the wrong thing and now you don’t want it? Why didn’t you buy two?”

“It’s like buying rollerskates. You don’t buy two. There’s literally no way to buy just one. The person who packed the truck only put half of the box spring in the truck.”

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“If it requires two and you only ordered one how is it Sears’ fault?”

“It only requires one. You sent half.”

“You need to buy another box spring. This isn’t our problem.”

This is what I ordered, for anyone who has bothered to read this vent-storm this far. See how it’s two pieces? Qty: 1?

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Anyway, the blame-the-customer approach doesn’t work well with me so I told them to take it all back and cancel the order. The person on the phone says I’ll have to call customer support and that I *will be charged* for giving Sears the run around and not ordering the correct thing.

I called my credit card company first. I already have my money back, and every penny of it. Then I called Sears and thanked them and explained how much I was looking to sleep on the floor for a week after attempting to help keep them in business. They agreed a refund was the correct answer.

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New, nicer mattress has been ordered from 1-800-mattress and will arrive today (same day! free delivery!) between 3:00-9:00 PM. Literally one phone call and 15 minutes of my time. I could have done the whole thing online but I after such terrible customer service I wanted to have a human being verify that it’ll be here today and that there were no surprises I needed to know about.

“No problem at all sir.”

That’s more like it.

Burn in hell, Sears.