New distributor came in for the Saab.
Still no spark.
I suck so much. I knew I shouldn’t have condemned the new dizzy as fast as I did, but like... WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE!?
Well after a short time with the FSM running through the ignition troubleshooting procedure it was...
The connector on the side of the dizzy.
I tightened up the pins and all is well.
Oh well, at least my friend gets his spare distributor back and I got my distributor oil leak fixed for the low, low price of $160.
Hat tip to ImmoralMinority for the post title.