Buffer Image... sort of.
I want to see what is the Oppopinion on this.
So I met up with a girl from work. Initially we were co-workers and not quite, since she is technically with a different company my company hired for consulting, but we were on the same project. Started hanging out a few times for coffee, snacks, went to a fair together, and invited her and her friends over for a dinner party and board games over the long weekend. For the heck of it I also baked her cookies for her birthday since she complimented them in the past.
A week ago I saw a movie releasing and ask if she wanted to watch it. She expressed interest so I suggested grabbing dinner at a place she said she wanted to try, and then watch the movie. Started planning it, getting tickets and confirmed plans with her.
...and then she asked me if it was a date. Admittedly I do have feelings for her and after some pushing from my friends, I answered yes.
This was last night. She started off saying she’s traditional and likes it classy, and then reminded me to dress well, so I followed the instructions. Got her a flower, went for the dinner and movie. Being my usual self of not knowing how to talk to people most of the time unless it’s about work/cars/computer stuff, there was a lot of dead air and silence, during dinner, walking to get the car and such. In the past she also pointed out I was quiet as well.
After the movie, I took her home, but on the way she was looking at the moon and said she wanted to look at it closer, and told me to go to a nearby park. Walked down a trail and looked at the stars for a bit, she once again pointed out the silence was awkward and made it feel like I wasn’t interested in her, and then we head back. Dropped her off, and I went home. When I got home, she dropped me a note thanking me for the flower, and sent a pic of the flower in a vase. Today she’s still messaging me and stuff, and asked me to install the phone game she has been playing.
I’m not sure what to make out of this whole situation... I’m extremely inexperienced with this.
I could use the hivemind help again. And I’m thinking of calling it quits.
So it’s been about a month now, we’ve been going out, sometimes alone but also a few times with other friends. Went to a magic show, had some house parties, board game cafe meetups, stuff like that. On the surface everything seems rosy.
...except the being quiet part. I don’t know if I still couldn’t get over my social anxiety or I’m still incredibly nervous with messing up with the relationship, I still can’t get around the being quiet thing. And she’s becoming more vocal about it.
Especially the past week, everything fell off a cliff.
The past Saturday, I got an invite from her to go to the movies. Initially she said another coworker that I knew was coming, but he couldn’t make it, and another of her friend that I didn’t know came along instead.
We watched the movie, then afterwards went to a pub for a late dinner. Right off the bat walking into the pub, she brought up the “being quiet” thing again. So I started off as usual, I didn’t really say much. Took me a bit to warm up then started to have a bit more topics, about the movie, etc. The said friend said he had a Miata, and we started talking about guns as well since I saw him looking up a gun range that I know of.
After we went home, she checked up on me whether I got home, as usual, and we messaged for a bit. Started off positive, she was like “look, you made a friend by talking!”. Also pointed out how she wondered if we will ever get the chemistry. I joked saying the chemical there was ethanol, but in reality was that I tend to only talk more when I actually know the subject.
That was when she came back to me she said she is still “uncomfortable with silence with new people until she really knows them, it’s a dilemma”. That “them” being me...
I think she took it the wrong way thinking I meant “take it or leave it”, but I meant to say it takes some time for me to get over this. After that I did reflect and came up with some ideas on how to fix this. Though for the past week, I started to think it might be a bit futile. Her reactions and responses started to get cold. And it almost felt like she was trying to avoid me. I’m thinking she actually lost patience already.
I talked to a friend of mine that was at a dinner party together, he seems to agree that there isn’t chemistry between us, but not necessarily because we don’t like each other, but rather we’re too similar. It seemed as if we’re too used to being by ourselves to the point we aren’t really opening up.
As much as I treasure this relationship, I’m starting to think letting go might be the right thing to do, if like she said it makes her uncomfortable.
There’s some stuff going on after work tomorrow, so I’m trying to ask if she has some time after that to talk it over. I’m still on the fence about all this, but it might just be easier for both of us before things really get awkward, at least for the next few months when we’re still in the same office.
UPDATE 2, probably final:
I gave up. I cracked under pressure and couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Last week was an effin’ roller coaster. The Friday that I was supposed to talk to her to end it, one thing lead to another, I couldn’t, and I didn’t.
That night I was supposed to drive her home after the office thing so we can talk in private, but it turned out the office was closed off for some event, so a bunch of us went to a bar to play pool instead. It got late and one thing lead to another, instead of driving her home, I drove a bunch of others home instead.
At the bar, I didn’t think too much, until I saw another couple on a date night playing pool, then I started imagining me and her were them. AND she asked me to teach her to play, and I held her hand for the first time to teach her to shoot the cue. At that moment I had a change of heart and felt I would regret this.
The weekend after, she messaged me a few times, asking if I wanted to talk, and we finally agreed to have lunch on the Sunday to talk it over. I didn’t give the let go speech, but tried to work it out. She finally spelt out the awkwardness, it wasn’t just the quietness, but a few other things, in particular that she didn’t like how I use the word “we” when we don’t have a DTR (at that moment I didn’t know WTF was this), saying I skipped a step. We just chatted a bit more and went our ways.
Later she messaged me (while my phone was a bit broken and I was fixing it), and asked if it would work better if we just messaged, since she said I seem to have trouble with my words and the message allowed a buffer for me to think through what I want to say. We discussed that for a bit, and then she said she wanted to know what I wanted. I told her I shouldn’t be messaging her this and suggested a phone call when I get a working one up and running. Felt the moment was lost, she said I was insincere for having her do this.
I left her alone for a bit, and only a day after I messaged her some silly unimportant things, kind of trying to restart the casual convo. Out of the the blank she switched to serious mode and gave me a (really long) speech on how to deal with girls, and how I can’t always be “genuine” and just try to say what girls want to hear. Like she was giving me dating advice on how to get her, but a few of the words also made it feel like she just wanted me to go find someone else. Told her I needed some time to let it sink in and I left it at that. Message was kinda confusing at the moment.
Then I had a deep thought on what I really wanted to do and after a few chats with friends, everyone said I was dragging her on for way too long, either I just ask her to confirm the relationship or just let her go. But I was still a bit mystified by the final message on what she really wanted. Somehow I ended up with deciding to ask, building enough courage.
Messaged her to see if she had time to talk, and I was supposed to meet her at night. I wanted to go a quiet place near her, so I asked if a place near her was quiet or noisy. It was actually snowing pretty bad so I was debating cancelling, and then she asked what was the talk about. I told her I wanted “to clarify some stuff” and since she asked what I wanted and I left her hanging, I wanted to speak my mind. Guess she sensed what I wanted to ask, and she said back to me saying she had a “bad feeling” since guys should be taking the initiative, yet I was asking her to pick a location.
So I just said I’ll call it off, since I got the clarification. Then she said she actually wanted to clarify as well but okay to do it through text: said she was moving on. Yet somehow she kept asking me what I was going to talk to her about. I froze again and couldn’t answer, I didn’t know what she wanted.
Next morning I just left her a brain dump on message. And that was it. I couldn’t deal with the emotional stress that dating brings. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
This is probably the final update... thanks for bearing with me. I just needed a closure somehow.