What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?
Illustration for article titled I Dont Get Jaguar

Here's what I know about Jaguar: It's British, its rear wheel drive, it burbles, and it recently did its own version of the 3-series. I saw that, and I turned to stone. It did not need to exist, but now it does, and it has done no favors in helping me figure out Jaguar.

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I can't name a single one of its chassis codes, either. A quick perusal of Jalopnik was unhelpful. It sounds like third-tier Mercedes: It's just fender curves and old money. Jag has lots of those. Lots! Apparently, golfers drive them. Golfers driving should be illegal. Don't golf. Don't tout that as a hobby. It's not okay. You know what else? Without verifying this, I am almost positive Jaguar is Indian. It has to be. If not, British engineers are learning reliability. It's the type of car you pick up bovril with to woo a girl.

Speaking of which, it "allegedly" dated Ford. I bet the bovril thing is how Jaguar got them. Ford loves a romantic gesture. Unfortunately, imagining that led me to imagine how long Ford made Jag wait before they shared platforms, which led me to imagine them making a Jaguar Mondeo, which they probably called "X-Type." They cried and held each other after. Then Jag turned on the kettle and made Earl Grey. Jag has that, too.

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I asked the Oppositelock staff if anyone could name a Jaguar chassis code: No one could, except for Jagvar, who gets a pass, because he likes cars that depreciate quickly. The shoeless can like whatever they want, because they are shoeless. I once bribed a shoeless guy to throw a baseball game, and he became a national embarrassment. It's fine. They have tough soles. They don't have to walk on top of things. I asked another friend over Gchat if she knows any Jaguar chassis codes, and she said, "I only know the one that looks like a penis" That didn't make Jaguar click for me.

Circling back to the chassis codes I couldn't name, all of their carss are just random letters followed sometimes by dashes. "D-Type." "E-Type." "F-Type." "XF." (Same as the F-Type, I think.) "XJ." "XE." "XK." You can barely tell where the list of car names ends and where I, myself, started thinking out loud. Quick, take me to the closest adult bookstore! I need more Xs!

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Our sweet Jaguar got DRIVEN after the Brit Awards, by the way. What car doesn't from time to time? Although, I am positive if you were cruising with Jaguar, it would end in you holding his gear shift dial back as it saw the Fish & Chips shack behind it then back up and say hello for a second time that night.

In an effort to understand a car who wore whore a hood ornament over an O-face, I looked up its Wikipedia page. It is completely unhelpful. It's a bunch of gobbledygook about England. British blokes LOOOOOVE Jaguar. I did get a few clues, though. One, it has cars with an R on them. And two, it raced in NASCAR. Now you're speaking a language I understand, and it's not one where math is called "maths" and fries are "chips." The NASCAR connection probably explains why, from time to time, you see Jaguars hanging out with Fords.

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A quick Google search of "Jaguar NASCAR" showed me that, yes, Jaguar races, but I had to move on from that for the safety and well-being of myself and those around me. (Its last NASCAR win was in the 1950s—ed.) A perusal of the image portion of the same Google search shows Jag hanging out with airplanes. It raced against twenty other foreign cars. What the? And here it is with a flag girl! What? What. This is the face of someone who also doesn't get Jaguar.

Homeboy was also in a video in NASCAR 2003, but NASCAR 2003 will allow anybody. But what the FUCK is Jaguar doing here with Kelly Rowland? It's an endorsement contract, I get that part. It's just an odd pairing. Random British car and Kelly Rowland. Kelly Rowland!

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I'm not saying anyone is wrong for liking Jaguar. That's fine: You can do whatever you want. I don't even know most of you. I'm just wondering if someone could explain them to me. The more I learn, the less sense it makes. The questions just yield more questions.

Top image via Flickr

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