I get why parents buy Lego now

I went to a joint birthday party for a five year old and his father. Since I don’t have kids (that have found me), there wasn’t much for me to do except take the free beer. Despite the presence of a bouncy castle and numerous children, the birthday boy decided that being around me was more fun—as most people do at parties—and asked if I would help him build a Lego thing.

My expectation was that I would find Lego pieces and he would build them, which would suck, but you can’t deny a birthday request.

To my absolute shock, he immediately settled into a routine of asking me to read the instructions followed by him searching for the required pieces.

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Now, I have dabbled in adult Lego, such as their architecture sets, so I know that the worst part is finding the required pieces for a step. Some people would say that searching for pieces is part of the fun, like a puzzle, but I am not a 23 year old manic depressive hipster girl, so I know that puzzles are not fun, and neither is counting the nubs on Lego blocks to make sure you have the right piece.

I am old, at least half of my waking moments are taken up by searching for things: car keys, cables, wallets, glasses. Searching for things is nature’s way of preparing me for death, I will die, just like my beloved trimmer that I bought years ago in a Corte Ingles will without its charger that I can’t find.

Legos with someone else finding the pieces was glorious. Sometimes he would ask me to snap pieces together, because it was difficult. This made me feel like a boss.

Naturally, this got me thinking about having children. If child labor can make Lego suck less, what else can it do? There are many things I don’t like doing, can a child—or children—fill this role?

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I spent much of this week researching the lives of some of my breeder friends. In between complaints about never sleeping, having no life, and worrying that their children will get killed in a mass shooting, I discovered a number of facts about how child labor can benefit the house and home.

For example, have you used a grocery delivery service? Did you know that if you turn grocery shopping into a game, then you can release your spawn in a Wegmans and they will return with groceries?

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I once thought that chores were parents’ way of instilling work ethic in children, but after further research, I’ve discovered that chores are just slave labor for people who have low expectations.

I would have had children a lot earlier if I had known about this. 

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