I have four very simple asks. One, heated seats - cloth or leather, I don’t care. Two, capable of towing 6,000lbs. Three, a reasonably reliable drivetrain and electrical system I’m comfortable with. (If it’s got 200k, I expect wear so it needs to be shit I can fix without dying.) Four, not a collection of rust held together by salt.

I AM NOT ASKING FOR A GODDAMN ROLLS ROYCE WITH PERSONAL BUTLER SERVICE FOR $5000 HERE! This is fucking CLEVELAND. For six months out of the year, the weather can only be described as FUCK CLEVELAND and the other six months are WHAT THE FUCK CLEVELAND. And it’s full of RETIREES!

Yet for some reason combining these four very simple asks is apparently completely fucking impossible. How the actual fuck do they sell so goddamn many cars without heated seats?! But there’s A HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX listings for V8 engines. Out of 136 guess how many can tick even two of those boxes?

FOUR.

Wait, that’s a 2008 Grand Cherokee. (Seriously, there is a reason I will not touch 5.7 Hemi MDS engines or 2008+ Cerberus “electrical.”) 

So, make that THREE. 

<looks up Cadillac Escalade problems> Well that explains that.

TWO.

Two. Fucking. Cars. (Don’t even try to tell me a 2008 Infinity QX56 isn’t completely rotted out, nevermind the lack of transmission service history.) And of course, both of them are completely batshit on the pricing. I mean they are on all the drugs. They have to be.

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2010 Yukon SLT with 200k on the clock, a CEL, needs five new belts (fronts due to grease staining, backs due to fraying,) multiple small leather tears, and the front Diamond White Tricoat (a/k/a The Unblendable Nightmare) has MASSIVE paint discoloration. They want $10k. HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU.

2004 Lexus GX470 with 150k on the clock, the interior looks to be in good shape, front bumper could use paint due to chips but perfectly serviceable, not significant rust, service records going back to... a few months after an accident... that it couldn’t be driven away from... with the title passing through a state that doesn’t brand... NOPE!

I. Hate. Car. Shopping.