If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

I just bought one of them low energy light fittings from B&Q.
The assistant asked “will you be putting this up yourself?”
I said “no, it’s going in the lounge.”

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”

I went to the chemist to get some lube.
“We don’t have any. Have you tried Boots?”
I want to glide in, not flaming march in!


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!”

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