I just did a very, very shortsighted thing.

I quit my job without any new plans whatsoever. I mean, that’s kind of a lie, because I have my Postmates welcome kit coming in the next few days and I still run a semi-active eBay store, but other than that, I have nothing. Starship said they’d take me if they had any positions available, but they don’t. And that’s the only place I know I would be comfortable working right now.

Here are some of the facts:

I cannot stand working with only men. That’s what drove me to the edge in the first place. It’s been like 3 years since I’ve had any female coworkers, and it fucking sucks being the outsider everywhere I go.

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Beyond that, I need a safe space to begin my physical transition because I’m really getting impatient with all of this, and this job wasn’t it.

On the flip-side, I have no reliable source of income right now. It’s too late to go back on this. I can’t afford rent. I can hardly even afford to eat. I don’t know what the hell I can do.

And I really mean that in multiple ways - I don’t know what I can actually do as a job. I’ve been able to force myself through these shitty dead-end gigs until now, but I just can’t do it anymore. I’m ridiculously weak emotionally and mentally. I don’t know what I can handle.

Oh, and as far as my parents know, I still have a job. I’m more afraid to tell them I quit than I was TO quit. I doubt any of you remember 6 years ago when I failed all of my classes in the first semester of college, but this feels like that all over again, except maybe a bit worse because I know it’s not entirely due to mental health this time. I think I’m going to wait until I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I’ll ask her for advice. It feels so wrong to wait that long to tell my parents what I did, but I don’t know how to do it on my own.

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Before you comment anything telling me that I shouldn’t have done this, please realize that I already know. As soon as I got off the phone with my boss, I knew I fucked up. I just can’t do anything right on my own. This is no different.

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