I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the hell out of me.
So that’s it!
After today, no more reading

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica..?
Where do they go....?
Wonder no more....!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”....
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”...

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As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

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1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

5. I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves.

6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

7. I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

8. What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

9. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

10. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

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Two crocodiles lazing in a river, one says “I can’t understand why you’re so much bigger than me, we’re the same age, we live in the same river & we both eat politicians”
The second one says “How do you eat your politicians?”
The first one says “Well I crawl up the riverbank, I lay under one of their Lexus cars & wait, as they are getting in their cars I leap out & grab them by the leg, I shake the crap out of them then drag them to the river & eat them”
“Ah” says the second croc “that’s where you are going wrong, you see once you have shaken the crap out of them all you are left with is an ars-hole & a briefcase.”