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Had a low moment last night. I’m pretty sure I’m becoming an alcoholic or in the early stages of alcoholism. I only started drinking and buying liquor this past fall. Whenever I buy a bottle of whiskey/bourbon, I usually finish it within the week or days. I rely on it a lot in social situations and when I’m having a hard or stressful day. I bought a bottle Sunday, finished it last night, and lied to my mother about not finishing the bottle and have frequently hidden my consumption habits because I didn’t want her to worry.

For reasons not necessary to share, I won’t be able to see my therapist until November, and I’ve promised friends I wouldn’t touch liquor for 30 days starting today.

And now I’m at a loss. How am I gonna function in social situations now? Liquor removed my anxiety and fear in situations I would just stay silent in the corner and second guess myself. It gave me freedom to talk to girls without worrying about what could possibly go wrong. And if I got rejected (more a matter of when), it made my evenings carefree so I wouldn’t have to feel hurt by it and/or get over it faster and feel better about myself.

In recent times I’d been making strides at being a better person, going to the gym 3-4 days a week, and being more social on campus. The friends I do have mostly go to bars and pubs on weekends, what am I supposed to do being the only person not drinking? I have to do the 30 days; I don’t like to make promises I can’t keep. I just wish I had the courage and audacity naturally.

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So yeah. I hope things don’t get worse over the next month...