I’m getting married this weekend! Which is great, because my fiancee is great, and so is not having to deal with any more wedding planning. But there’s one small problem: talking with family. Many people in our families have opinions about politics. I have a plan to avoid politics, but I need your help.

We’re doing a not-rehearsal dinner on Friday for our out-of-town guests, mostly family members. These range from people like my aunt who sent me several emails begging me to write a letter to Wisconsin Republican senator Ron Johnson, telling him he needs to confirm Obama’s supreme court nominee, as if one letter from my hippie ass was going to magically turn the tide and get that dude confirmed, to my fiancee’s former-nun aunt who wasn’t sure if she would be able to attend our mixed Catholic-Jewish wedding because it’s not happening in a church, and really wants me to explain why so many of us Jews don’t like Republicans when the Republicans are obviously the only party that supports Israel.


In order to avoid having politics become the dominating theme of the weekend, in my little welcome speech, after I say stuff like thanks for coming and buying a bunch of stuff from our registry, I’m going to say something like this:

We know that the election is coming up soon, and that this is a topic about which many of you have opinions. We love you all, but to have as fun of a weekend as possible, we’re asking that if you feel the urge to talk politics, please kindly talk about literally anything else. And if you can’t think of something else, here are some ideas.


Then I’m going to have them open these envelopes with stupid conversation topics. So far, the only topic I know for sure is, “true or false: crunchy Cheetos are obviously superior to poofy Cheetos.”


Other than that, I’m totally at a loss! I asked around my office for ideas but the only topics that weren’t grossly, completely, inappropriate were who is your favorite Power Ranger, and whether Godzilla or King Kong would win in a fight, and those are certainly stupid, but I don’t think they’d quite hit the mark with my particular crowd of mostly Baby Boomer and older relatives who can’t keep their damn mouths shut about politics.

So, what conversation topics can you give me? Help me Oppo, you’re my only hope!