What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?
This arrow should be pointed at me. I need the 959.
This arrow should be pointed at me. I need the 959.
Photo: Porsche

Well, at least I figured out why you’re all DEAD TO ME. A couple years ago, I gave you all an ultimatum: get me a Paris-Dakar Rally Porsche 959, or you’re all dead to me.

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I still do not have a Paris-Dakar Rally 959, therefore, you are all dead to me. Every single one of you, which includes all of OppositeLock. (I’m dead inside, so I’m already on this list.)

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Illustration for article titled I Remembered Why OppositeLock Is Dead
Photo: Porsche

Just look at all of these fantastic dirt-ready Porsches! They’re delightful cars! I would love to have any of these wonderful vehicles to hoon around. That ducktail swooshy neon Martini-liveried rally Porsche is perhaps the best-looking rally Porsche of all time. However, you are specifically dead to me for not getting me a Paris-Dakar 959.

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Fortunately for you, it’s not too late to fix this.

Get me a Paris-Dakar 959.

Illustration for article titled I Remembered Why OppositeLock Is Dead
Photo: Porsche

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