I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but honestly I’ve been kind of suffering from a lot of anxiety that has kept me from doing so. For a number of months now. But I can’t sleep and it’s all I can think about right now.
I was driving home today and I was thinking about how much my life has frankly been a disappointment one way or another and that I’m really only good at two things: screwing up and driving. When I’m driving I feel like I have a kind of confidence I don’t have in anything else. Maybe a bit overconfidence as when I was thinking that I got my first ticket today.
But anyway, like I said I think I need a drastic change in my life before something bad happens. Like, well, draw your own conclusions bad. I’ve spent the last three years trying to earn my teaching certification and I have nothing to show for it. I thought I was going to be a great teacher but when I did my student teaching I ended up being so stressed out I had a mental breakdown which was a factor in how I ended up being hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation. And, oh yeah, I still can’t pay for that even though my therapist keeps insisting that he’ll try to do something for it, but over half a year later nothing’s been shown for it. I used to do a lot of reading and writing but ever since I just completely lost my motivation. So lately I’ve just been drifting through. I don’t feel like I have a lot of opportunity or aptitude for anything useful.
I think it’s time for a deep and drastic career change. Maybe even a location change. Like pack up the car and pick a random direction without a plan and not afraid to be homeless change. Maybe being homeless would be a good thing because I’m sick and tired of being obligated to the rest of society. And to be honest I kind of hate being in Colorado. I hate the weather, I hate how crowded and ugly it is in Denver (it’s not all LoDo after all) and yet at the same time I hate how there’s nothing else around here. I really don’t want to be here anymore. But maybe I just feel too comfortable being where I am now, especially still under the care of my parents, which is needless to say embarrassing at my age.
And another thing, I’m sick and tired of feeling like I get no respect, maybe because I haven’t done anything to deserve respect. The cop who pulled me over kept insulting me especially when I asked he call my dad (who works with police) and kept saying that I’m an adult, it’s not going to happen. Well guess what? First of all you’re a douche, second of all when the fuck did I ever ask to be an adult anyway? I never asked for any of this.
TL;DR I’m a failure, failure follows me everywhere in life and I’m so sick and tired of it I’m strongly open to any suggestions up to the equivalent of bungie jumping without a rope (metaphorically speaking). I’m just so sick and tired of where I am in life with no friends and no opportunities and nobody who I feel like cares. And I’m really sick and tired of having to feel like I have to accept this shit sandwich and eat it with a smile. Maybe I’ll smile for the last time when I stick a gun to my mouth and eat a bullet instead of a shit sandwich instead.
And no, I’m not planning on killing myself, I just wanted to get that off my chest. But I am strongly thinking of just simply disappearing somewhere.