I need a bidet.

Not a fancy separate bowl, but a fancy Japanese one that bolts onto your existing toilet:

I thought they would be unpleasant when I first used one in Tokyo, but it has the added benefit of a warmed seat without the grossness of it being a warm public toilet seat.

Even the water it shoots at your bunghole is warmed and you can adjust temperature and pressure.

Here I am having learned my lesson after buying cheap no-name brand toilet paper which tore me a new arsehole to fancy toilet paper made of duck down, kittens, and cashmere.