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If Cars Were

Illustration for article titled If Cars Were

And we're back! Time for another addition of If Cars Were. As this is the 3rd installment with the current 5 cars, it'll be the last time I use them. So you know what that means, new cars soon! For this session, however, well be keeping with the same 5 cars as last time.


To start this session off, lets begin with a little mood music.

You hear that? That's sound of impending doom. The sound of an apex predator stalking you, ready to strike. That's right, this time we are comparing 5 of my favorite cars to sharks!


So lets begin.

The Ariel Atom:

Illustration for article titled If Cars Were

0-60 in about 2.7 seconds, streamlined, light weight, turns on a dime, and chases down it's pray with vicious speed. The Atom is one of the most raw, most deadly, road going vehicles you can buy.

So what shark could compare to such a vicious car?

The Mako Shark:

Now I know that the Mako shark was used as the design inspiration for the Corvette, however, the Atom wasn't around when the Vette was introduced. While the Mako is likely much more slippery (the cD of the Atom is around 0.40), both are amazingly fast and agile. For those reasons I feel they are a good fit.


Lets cast our line in and hook us our next car, the Type 34:

Illustration for article titled If Cars Were

Slow, docile, not really something one would consider a sports car. It is very attractive though, with its distinctive ridges down its back and that unforgettable front end. It is also the largest of the Ghia's (due in no small part to the Type 3 platform it rests on).

I can only think of one shark to compare to this large (by VW standards of the day) languid people's car.


The Whale Shark:

Mostly harmless, distinctive ridges, not terribly fast, I think it pairs up nicely to the "Razor Back" Ghia.


Chumming the water for our next car, the Toyota Hilux:

Illustration for article titled If Cars Were

In it's 7th's incarnation, the Hilux was given the arctic treatment by our good friends at Top Gear. This truck has been long lived (over 50 years of production) and welcomes any inclement weather. It is a hard nosed cold loving machine!

So what shark also loves the cold? The Greenland Shark, AKA "Ice Jaws".

(if you don't laugh at least once during this next video, I fear for your soul).

Full steam ahead to our next car, the 2000GT:

Illustration for article titled If Cars Were

A car with all the right curves. The 2000GT could stun you with just its looks alone. The swooping, graceful body lines, the long hood cradling that gorgeous 2.0L straight 6, and not to mention, "dat ass"; it'll tail smack you. Yes, the 2000GT is beyond stunning.

So what shark out there is a stunner in the literal sense?

The Thresher Shark:

Time to breach the surface with our final car, the huge, powerful, AWD sultan of lethality, the GT-R:

Illustration for article titled If Cars Were

This car is well known for it's launch control.

It is able to take it's considerable bulk (all 3800 or so pounds of it) and move it past 60 miles per hour in under 3 seconds. That is impressive. The car is large, it's muscular, and it takes no prisoners. The fact that some call it soulless makes it even more of a killer.


So what other shark has a massive bulk yet is still able to launch itself with amazing power? The big daddy of them all, the Great White:

So there is my list. Perhaps not as flashy or as drawn out as some of the lists I've done in the past, but still fun. 5 cars and the toothy aquatic fish that I think would best suit them. Agree? Disagree? Have combinations of your own that you'd like to propose? Leave them in the comments!

Want to burn me at the stake for blasphemous remarks and general stupidity, leave that in the comments as well, but keep it civil, personal attack comments get dismissed. Remember, this is just a list and a personal opinion.



Sharks are amazing animals, and they are an integral part of our ocean's ecosystem. I in no way condone the villainizing of sharks or their slaughter. Since 1580 (yes, 1580) there have been only 484 recorded deaths due to sharks (according to wiki). That is a scant over 1 per year. Even in bad years, the total number of deaths by shark has rarely broken double digits. The odds of you being killed, or even slightly damaged, by a shark are infinitesimally small. In fact, you are more likely to be killed by one of the following animals:

Mosquitoes - 655,000 deaths per year

Hippos - 2,900 deaths per year

Deer (yes deer) - 130 deaths per year in the United States alone

Dogs - 30 to 35 deaths per year in the US

Ants - 20 to 50 people killed per year in Africa

Jellyfish - 20 to 40 people killed a year in the Philippines

Cows - (Yes cows. Bessy hates the way you milk her, she's going to go all argo on your ass) 22 deaths per year in the US


Horses - 20 people per year in the US

Spiders - 6.5 people per year in the US

Rattlesnakes - 5.5 deaths per year in the US

Remember, sharks are an apex predator. Like any well evolved carnivore, it only attacks what it thinks are viable food sources. If it eats you, it screwed up. Fortunately, at arround 1 death per year on average, sharks don't screw up often.

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