Well my good fellows, it has been two fortnights since my last If Cars Were posting, however, I am most certainly back. Apologizes for my absence, but boy do I have a treat for you! On this round of If Cars Were, we are not only going to introduce 5 brand new cars, but we are going to equate them to some of my favorite (read least favorite) Axis II diagnosis! So, if you are a psych, rehab med, or otherwise general studies student, bust out the DSM, and lets get started!!

Now, onto our first car. This car has delusions of grandeur. It's chaotic, disorganized, hell it even admits to hearing voices from a different ECU.


It's hearing voices and has Schizophrenia written all over it.

"You're a crossover..."

"You're a super car..."

"You're bespoke..."

"You're a race car..."

"You're the play toy of oil barons..."

"You need to pick up milk on the way home..."


Yes, the Juke-R. It struggles with identity and panders to the voices of the 17 different things going on at once. It certainly shows a "splitting of mental functions".

Moving on, our next car spends more time gazing at itself in motor show mirrors then it does blasting around the track.


This Fabio thinks he is oh so pretty. Expects the limelight, and all the accolades that go with it. Which car could this be? Only one. A car so nice they named it twice. Our Narcissist friend, LaFerrari.

It isn't as if LaFerrari's self-love isn't justified, but it could, you know, be a bit more humble about it.

Time to get your nose out of the index and flip the page on our next car. This next car has some serious authority issues.


It's angry, it's rough around the edges, and it take gruff from no one. Want it to play nice with the other kiddies on the track? Tough! Think you can correct its misbehavior with a little traction control? Nope, doesn't have it, and won't tolerate it. It is the Oppositional Defiance Disorder of the auto world. The car that says "F*ck You" to all the refined and neutered rear wheel drive monsters out there. Which car am I talking about? In the words of Duncan Macleod; "There can be only one." The Dodge Viper.


Get this car too rev'ed up and it'll lash out and bite you like an angry tween who just found out that Richard Cullen doesn't sparkle in real life.

Our next car needs you. No really, it needs you.


Its relationship with you is vital for it's very survival! Without you, where would it go? Who would take care of it? Who would take it to the mechanic every 3rd weekend to have work done on that glorious 4.4-liter V8 engine? Who would take it out to a nice gas station to fill up on only the best premium and only return 15 miles per gallon? The car is absolutely dependant on its owner to take loving care of it forever and ever.... and ever.... and ever.... It is the Dependant Personality Disorder of the car world and yes, it is a BMW.

Listed as one of the top 10 most expensive vehicle in 2013 to maintain I feel it's title as the dependent of the group is justified. That the the white prop on a blue sky's reputation for expensive maintenance.


We've reached our final car. Since it's the last on the list, I feel it's only fitting to save the most splitting, ire raising, and difficult Axis II disorder to work with for last. Borderline Personality Disorder.

Often characterized by impulsivity, splitting of loved ones and friends, and self-harm behavior, this disorder is certainly no joke. Difficult to treat, it often requires Dialectical Behavior Therapy in a safe, secure environment. What car is also known for in your face emotionality and the occasional tenancy for self harm? The Italia 458.


So there is my list. 5 cars and the Axis II diagnosis that I think would best suit them. Agree? Disagree? Have combinations of your own that you'd like to propose? Leave them in the comments!

Want to burn me at the stake for blasphemous remarks and general stupidity, leave that in the comments as well, but keep it civil, personal attack comments get dismissed. Remember, this is just a list and a personal opinion.

(Authors note: I'm a registered Occupational Therapist. I have worked in the mental health field specializing in the treatment of Adjustment Disorder and PTSD. Recently I have moved into the treatment of moderate to severe head trauma injuries. While this article takes a light hearted tongue in cheek look at mental disorders, they are, in point of fact, no laughing matter. On average 20% of the population will experience mental illness at some point in their lifetime. I take my hat off to front line providers, friends, and family members that help someone suffering from a mental illness.)