And you had complete authority to make any change you wanted to your country’s traffic system, up to and including meddling with other public offices, what would you do?


There’s a catch.

See, you got a minor traffic violation years ago from a camera. No big deal, $40 fine, goes off your record.



Thanks to the bureaucratic system, despite your best efforts that little ticket blossomed into a six figure debt with five years jail time. Your wife left you. Your kids? Moved off to Asia, excommunicated. Your hair? All gone. From the stress. That bitchin’ flannel you wear on Friday nights at the local bar? No longer fits over the gut.

And now, after all these years, planning.... Plotting... You’ve got your chance. You’ve made it to the top. You’ve got a week in command, your word being law.

But simple revenge isn’t enough. Oh no. Not for you.

It’s time to make the world burn.

So I ask of you, what changes would you bring forth to bring misery to the masses, via transportation infrastructure..?


First off, I’d mandate that all new cars from this day forward must be equipped with a new power control system, dubbed the Lungs-O-Fury. Old cars would also need this system retrofitted. LOF is a simple device, acting simply as a master volume control. But instead of a knob to control access to your vehicles power... You scream.

The dying whisper of a octogenarian? That will get you access to 0.01% of your vehicles total power output. Not even enough to engage an automatics crawl function. Ronnie James Dio circa 1976 hooked up to a wall of half-stacks cranked to 11? Full power.


Stop screaming—even for a second—and you drop to 0% output. Need to make it up a long hill? You better have the breath training off a world-class crossfit athlete.

My second major change would be to require airplanes to travel via water, boats via roads (cruise ships sticking to the highways, obviously), and trains via the sky. WITHOUT changing the exterior dimensions in any major ways. Engineers, you’ve got a week. Time to earn that degree.


Lastly, I’d make a law that at every crossing—whether a stop sign or a traffic light—all drivers must dismount their motor vehicles, walk to the center, and roll a DOT-certified D20 to determine the order in which said drivers get to go.


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