With impending snowfall threatening to blanket those of us living in snowy areas of the world I decided to compile a list of the most vital pointers I’ve gathered on my own and from friends’ suggestions. Follow these tips to successfully get from Point A to some highballs and white Russians.
Just follow these easy guidelines and you’ll make the roads a safer place in no time at all. Happy driving, everyone.
1. Leave as much snow piled on top of your car, including the windows. Not only will it weigh you down (more traction!) but you’ll also create a whiteout behind you which keeps other cars at a safe distance. Clear as little snow off your windshield as possible and win a free game of tank commander!
2. Turn your hazard lights on. Everyone needs to pay attention to YOU, not the snow or road conditions. Your light show will alert EVERYONE to the fact that it is snowing, thereby making everyone SAFE!
3. Turn your high beams on and leave them on. The heavier the snow, the brighter lights you need, that way you can keep an eye on every individual snowflake falling and avoid being distracted by other things on the road, like cars and shiny deer eyes. Remember: “Push the lever, leave it forever.”
4. If you have a 4WD/AWD vehicle, drive as fast as you want. Everyone knows four and all wheel drive are completely failure-proof no matter the conditions. You’ll keep the roads that much clearer by getting to your destination sooner.
5. Brake erratically and frequently while on the highway and other well-traveled areas. This is to be sure that your brakes work. Give your car as many chances to break traction as possible - it’s the only way you’ll learn how good your car is in the winter. Always do this when you’re in the fast lane and there’s NOTHING in front of you and a line of 15 cars behind you.
6. Be sure that you can still accelerate by slamming on the gas when you realize you’re doing 10 under after every instance of #5 and you notice someone trying to pass.
7. Drive as close as possible to the car in front of you so you can follow their tire tracks exactly, that way you’ll know you won’t go in the ditch.
8. Wait until the last second to start slowing for a turn; you wouldn’t want to inconvenience the people behind you by driving slow. Don’t worry, turned wheels can’t possibly keep traveling in a straight line because that would, like, defy physics. Don’t worry about signaling, if you follow Tip #2 you’ve already got your hazards on. They count as blinkers, too!
9. Remember that the center shared left turn lanes usually get plowed last so wait until about 20 feet before you have to turn before jerking the wheel and slamming on your brakes. This way if you’re lucky you’ll slide just so you’re facing your side street! Be sure to get no more than one-third of your car actually INTO the turn lane as well.
10. If you see fellow motorists spun-out or in mid-spin; honk, give them the finger, and scream at them. They might not realize their car is backwards, or in a ditch… or upside-down!
Be sure to have a cell phone in case of an emergency situation. If the slow traffic has got you running late, be sure to whip out your Motorola Note and send your boss an e-mail, your wife/gf a text, and be sure call your kids’ school while you’re at it. If you hold it up in front of your face it will be easier for people to see that you’re clearly more important and they’ll be sure to let you get from the fast lane to their exit lane since it’s just 15 feet ahead.
If you’re having trouble finding traction, be sure to continually floor the gas pedal. Not only will this get your engine up to operating temp quicker if you’ve just started up, spinning tires = friction and heat to melt away all that ice!