What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?
Illustration for article titled Inside Dieselgate, and the Ferry Solution(K-Rolls Side)

That’s right, I’m gonna tell all of you exactly what’s going on, why it’s happening, and what this means, and stuff. Because you see, this has been in the workings by myself, and my master, Ferdinand Piech for a long long time.

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But first, let us go all the way back to April this year. Ferdinand Karl Piech had just tried to oust Winterkorn from office, and soon after resigned from office because of an environment of trust “no longer exists” within the company board. But you see, dieselgate was inevitable once Piech resigned, it was only a matter of time.

Illustration for article titled Inside Dieselgate, and the Ferry Solution(K-Rolls Side)
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There are many reasons Piech tried to oust Winterkorn. Because he had the foresight to see that eventually, some dumb damn American would find out their secret and reveal it to the world causing much grief for Volkswagen and it’s subsidiaries. And when that happened, he knew Winterkorn would not be able to handle the resulting trials and tribulations.

Back in 2010-2012, VW bought all the shares in Porsche, becoming their parent company outright. This caused many problems within the traditional belief system at Porsche. Bean counters had more say, cars were designed in a committee fashion, going against the words of our lord and savior, Ferry Porsche(“No Porsche will ever be created by a committee...”). Porsche was becoming more VW and Audi. Not that this was a bad thing in the past, but Porsche has prided themselves in being an independent company, and this was unacceptable.

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Illustration for article titled Inside Dieselgate, and the Ferry Solution(K-Rolls Side)

(Here I am with Ferdinand Piech in his one-off 918)

But the most important reason Piech tried to oust Winterkorn, he needed a new CEO, and this is where I come in. In the days before Piech attempted to Winterkorn, he personally flew me out to Germany and picked me up with his 918, from there we discussed the future of Porsche and the automobile.

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On the Autobahn, he told me, “Karl, das ist der Moment, in dem alles ändert sich für die Zukunft der VW, Porsche, und der Welt. VW’s Diesel Imperium zusammenbrechen machen wir uns, dass. Und in diesem Moment, als Volkswagen am verwundbarsten ist, zurücknehmen wir, was rechtmäßig uns!! WIR KAUFEN VOLKSWAGEN ZURÜCK!!”

I asked him why he would tell me any of this, knowing I have no power in the world to make a difference. But he had a plan.

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He knew the ousting would fail, and he would eventually resign prior to dieselgate. Winterkorn would resign during dieselgate, leaving the CEO spot open for the taking; a taking he(Piech) knew he would not be able to recapture. He needed someone who is loyal to the Porsche Rebellion, someone who doesn’t give a fuck about emissions and fuel economy or bean counters to get into a high enough position where Piech could use his wealth and buy enough shares, at least 66% of VW to give Porsche control over VW and make more badass cars for everyone. The cars people want, enthusiasts want, not what the bean counters think the people want. Most of all, he needed someone who he could adopt as a “long lost heir” to the Porsche/VW throne, and that person is me, Karl.

Illustration for article titled Inside Dieselgate, and the Ferry Solution(K-Rolls Side)
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You see, this isn’t just about the environment(not that I give any fucks), this is an internal power struggle between Piech and myself, and VW. With me in power, and having control over some shit, I’d finally be able to do things that need to be done. the bean counters would be captured and stowed away in the dungeon beneath the Porsche Museum in Stuttgart along with the committees, and Porsche would get legitimate entry-level sports cars. I’m talking relatively stripped out 911s, Caymans, and Boxsters for a much lower price than what they currently are. That way, plebians who aren’t making 6-7 figures could actually have a shot at affording their dream cars without killing themselves mentally and financially. These would retain the previous 3.4L N/A Flat-6(9A1) motor that already gets excellent fuel economy for a sports car. The blasphemous turbo engines could be swapped in for a substantial optional fee should anyone be inclined. Manual transmissions would be standard on all cars, including the Macan, but not the Panamera.

Illustration for article titled Inside Dieselgate, and the Ferry Solution(K-Rolls Side)
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Also, the Panamera would die and the world would finally have it’s rightful 928 successor based on the Panamera Gran Tourismo concept using a drivetrain similar to that of the 918!! While this would be going on, Audi and VW could do whatever the fuck they want because no fucks given. With this plan we call the “Ferry Solution”, Porsche would be brought back to the even more glory days of decades prior!!

Illustration for article titled Inside Dieselgate, and the Ferry Solution(K-Rolls Side)

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