Come, learn the bliss and joy that is the $500 Van!
I would like to introduce you all to something very special and close to my heart. The $500 Nissan Axxess Minivan some of you may recognize this beauty from, the one and only, Mr. Farah’s One Take Series. Again, Thank you Matt. We apologize for trolling your social media! We are also now very excited to be featured on Jalopnik. I am going to credit my obnoxious tweet I sent from the bar last night for that amazing feat…
I will fully admit that we, the dude’s of the $500 Van, are completely new to posting on oppo and, yes there is a little bit of shameless self-promotion going on here. (Click Here -> Link!! GROW UP TO TWO INCHES!) However, we would genuinely like to share our love of odd shitty vans with you all.
An Introduction to our van:
This is actually our second $500 Minivan. Our first was a 1988 Dodge Caravan, which is sadly no longer with us. I still miss its glorious wood paneling. It was last seen traveling down the road on a flatbed truck with a large phallus spray-painted on the side. More on that another time…..
The Nissan Axxess is a shitty little van, so shitty in fact that no one bought it during its one model year on sale here in the USA. We found the Axxess on Craigslist (obviously) in Maine. Being such a valuable item we immediately drove 5 hours to purchase the van for the large sum of $500.
It runs great! After the end of each New England winter, we lovingly retrieve it from the woods; it starts up immediately, incinerating any creatures who foolishly decided to hibernate in the van’s exhaust. Did we mention that the $500 van takes no prisoners?
Although the van’s survival during 3-5 harsh New England winter months may not seem like much at first glace, please note, we do ZERO winterizing. We just park it in the woods and leave it.
It is genuinely surprising that the only damage the van saw this past winter was at the hands of some local disenfranchised youths (also known as little-shits) who smashed a can of Steel Reserve through the passenger window. We did drink the Steel Reserve though, so thanks for the drink.
It might be considered uncouth to drink a can of Steel Reserve that was used to smash your van’s passenger window, but what did you expect? We shit on the highway for fucks sake!!
(Allegedly- the $500 VAN NEVER condones breaking the law, or local ordinances)
We love driving around in our van, because we don’t care about its condition at all. When the horn gets stuck on and we smash the dash apart trying to stop it, who care!!! Also the warm fuzzy feeling you get inside (similar to James May’s fizz but probably closer to the colon than the penis) when parking next to an expensive car is truly epic.
There is truly something magical about driving a car that is worth less than a thousand dollars. Also it does burnouts, you can’t go wrong with burnouts.
Being from Maine, rust is a slight issue. The rust hole in the spare tire well was so large, someone made a joke (wasn’t actually that funny) about peeing out of it. Being both a tad obsessive and certifiably compulsive we immediately built a toilet out of PVC and a funnel. Yes it is functional. Yes it has allegedly been used. Its not a pleasant experience but is still much more pleasant that your average truck stop!
There is so much more I could share about the van, but I will save that for later. I do not want to overload oppo with the Van’s amazing aura nor do I know if I can actually post here. Oh and we also like cigars!
-The 500dollar van.
P.S. in the name of self promotion hit us up on Facebook /500dollarvan and on the other social medias at @500dollarvan
Let us know what you want to hear about the Van! Hate mail is also welcome, that shit is fun.