This Forester with far too many 26.2 “look, I ran a marathon!” stickers on the back is parked at the pool next to my gym. I hate it oh so very much, and yet it’s only #3 on the list of things I hate on this gym visit.

#3) Fuckyoubaru Forester. I don’t give a fuck how far you ran, and if you tell me about it I will respond by sarcastically asking how much you can bench, because that’s nicer than punching you in the face.

#2) The shriveled old dude brushing his teeth with a power toothbrush in the locker room. Bzzzzzzzzwaaaaawoooooowwwssshhhhhbaaaaaaaaaawaaaaabzzzzwoooowaaaaaa.

#1) The less shriveled old dude chatting with a friend at the water cooler, who thinks spandex boxer briefs are acceptable to wear as shorts, with nothing else but a workout tank tucked into them.