First of all, that thing up there. That’s what the folks who made it over at Aston Martin call the Valkyrie. What am I supposed to do with that???
I’m the kind of guy who prefers Grand Tourers over Sports Cars. I like luxury cars, cars that shift themselves... ever heard of a Cadillac Eldorado?
My first car was a ‘57 Cadillac, followed by a ‘76 Jaguar XJ6 (famously soliloquied here) and then I was somehow lured into Porsche 944 ownership before diving into the world of Merkur in the form of two Scorpios, one for parts in the pre-internet days. The Porsche was not my idea, it was a family hand-me-down first owned by my older sister, then my parents who never drove it. I maybe drove it twice. To much shifty-shifty and no room for my friends in the nominal +2 seats hiding out behind the driver and passenger. My primary car today is a 1962 Mercedes-Benz 220se, and while this one is a coupe rather than my clearly-preferred sedans, it rides, drives and feels like the cars I favor.
Next up, that thing up there. What am I supposed to do with that? There’s not much vision, which would seem like a useful thing to have at 250-MPH, but heck I guess people will tell me you really only need to see what’s right in front of you, which clearly is total bullshit because at higher speeds all those things existing out there in the real world, deer, errant beach balls, Bernie Ecclestone, could all come running out of the hedge at any moment and your reaction time would be much less, except... nobody can drive these cars to their full potential on public roadways. Point being, I have a better view of the road from the inside of my glove box than is offered by the Valkyrie. “Luggage? What’s that?” might be the response from many supercar owners as they lift a patio-sized carbon fiber panel to reveal a carpeted box that approximates the size and shape of the smallest Chipotle burrito you’ve ever been served.
The ‘62 Benz coupe I mentioned earlier has as much visibility as the deck of an aircraft carrier and with a trunk large enough to carry probably half the number of planes. No joke, I measured. You still have to fold the wings up but they will fit in there!
Now this is the really freaky part to me, see how you can look right through the bodywork on this car, sorta like how you can see through the rear haunches on the new Ford GT? I know the thin bit of fender steel doesn’t do much in the way of providing protection but this would just make me feel like my legs were dangling out from the bottom of an inner tube, waiting to be bitten off by a hammerhead shark, or in this instance, a deep curb.
How do you repair these things? When even a Bugatti needs to be shipped back to Mother-France just for a set of new tires, it makes you ponder the downtime, cost and final feasibility of the repair if your half-resin go-kart kits a Camry on it’s way out of Costco. Yes, rich people shop at Costco, it’s easier to keep your existing money than to make more.
Where do you drive these things to? Not the grocery store, no room for the groceries. Not to the bank, they will surely flag you for investigation for insider trading. Not your in-laws, least you be inundated with requests for a “small, $4-million loan” despite protestations that “I’m good for it!”
These cars were made to be featured in video games where you can switch to a God’s eye view, don’t need to stow anything whatsoever, and crashes can be fixed with a simple press of a button.
Nah, I’ll stick with my old man car and be happy doing it.
This article first appeared on MotoArigato.com